10) Andre Agassi (down)

Why do it? No, not the drugs, although that is bad enough, but why confess now? Does he really need to flog a biography when he has made $100million in endorsements and married Steffi Graf. Even more depressing to the sports fan is his admission that he hated playing tennis. Agassi recalled that Steffi once gave him a look that said "Doesn't everybody?" Us naive fools believed they loved it. Whatever next? Benny hates Dancing Queen?

9) Sir Alex Ferguson (falling like a stone)

This is rich. To recap: Fergie said a referee was unfit. He apologised. Kind of. To get off a ban. He felt so guilty he then abused another referee for being influenced by the home crowd at Anfield. Which makes a change from being influenced by a rather small man with the manners of the Mitchell brothers. Sports Watch believes Agassi could not have created the sort of mindblowing topspin attempted by Taggart II even when in the grips of crystal meth.

8) Mike Ashley (down down)

The Newcastle Chuckle Brother now wants to sell the naming rights for St James' Park. This has provoked horror but Sports Watch thinks our Geordie cousins should get over themselves. Times change. That is life. Roker Park is no more. Nor is Highbury. White Hart Lane and Anfield are on their last legs. In terms of Ashley's follies, this is small beer. Theatre of Dreams/Fitful Sleep/Vaudeville? Delete as applicable.

7) Joleon Lescott (non-mover, or at least limited)

Is it us?

6) Pepe Reina (down)

We like a good celebration and Reina's 90-yard sprint to give David Ngog a hug for adding a second against the Dark Lords was up there with the best of Roger Milla. Given the way Reina mistook a large red, inflatable for a white football the previous week, Sports Watch is impressed that Reina did shin up a floodlight in pursuit of the Sky blimp.

5) Paula Radcliffe (Up)

She's back. Radcliffe will run the New York Marathon this weekend, her first marathon for a year, and will almost certainly win. This is because she is one of Britain's few active sporting legends. Dullards damn her because she was unfit on the two days that coincided with her Olympic chances. Expect dramatic brilliance.

4) David Shepherd (up)

With football's Respect campaign now renamed Shoot-Any-Idiot-Who-Refuses-To-Add-Multiplied-Time-And-Play-On-Until-The-Cows-Come-Home-Or-Alternatively-Scholesy-Has-A-Half-Decent-Game-And-Scuffs-The-Winner, how nice it was to hear the eulogies about one of cricket's best-loved figures. An umpire no less. Cricket remains a game where officials are not routinely abused by managers for their own inadequacies.

3) Arsene Wenger (up)

Yes, he is a one-eyed visionary who subscribes to nonsensical conspiracy theories about bullies from tough northern towns like Blackburn kicking his fey artists to death. But anyone who watched Arsenal's kids stay up past their bedtime to dump Liverpool out of the Carling Cup with the sort of swashbuckling delights not seen since The Flashing Blade was on the box knows the truth.

2) Ryan Hall (new entry)

The man from Big Bear has a bugbear about money. Hence, if he wins the New York Marathon on Sunday (expect him to be in the top five), he will give away his $130,000 cheque. Hall says he had an epiphany during the Olympic marathon last year, is inspired by Eric Liddell (the religious one from Chariots of Fire) and is, altogether, a rare and exceptional bloke.

1) Valentino Rossi (new entry)

Sports Watch's favourite high-pitched megastar who paid a £26million tax bill and said he was serene before celebrating his latest MotoGP world title with a live chicken. This is different to the time he celebrated with a man dressed as a chicken on the back of his bike. Or, indeed, the time he nipped into a Portaloo on his victory lap. The most colourful man in sport who is inexplicably overlooked by certain newspapers that cover, er, snooker.

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