10) Mike Ashley (down)

Last week we thought our Geordie cousins were being a tad over-dramatic, but renaming your stadium sportsdirect.com@ St James' Park is the Fat Controller's crowning folly. Sports Watch tends to think Newcastle fans are an over-sentimental bunch of working class fantasists: sort of a cross between Auf Wiedersehen Pet and The Chronicles of Narnia, but this takes the chocolate HobNob. Next, they'll be getting Alan Shearer back. What's that? And now Chelsea are going to do the same. We suggest Perestroika Park.

9) Formula One (down)

Toyota are quitting the sport. Admittedly, that is a bit like saying Jeff Winter is quitting football, but it is a sign of the times. Spy scandals, crash scandals, sex scandals. We have now reached a point where Max Mosley's dalliance with a bevy of paddle-wielding hookers is redolent of a golden age of innocence. Those men in white coats are not coming to change your wheels.

8) Jamie Carragher (down)

It is hard not to like Carra. He gives his all and still has room for honest post-match interviews, delivered in a delicious Scouse accent that is so down to earth it is subterranean, or at the very least under the patio at Trevor Jordache's gaff. Sadly, as a player, he looks increasingly past it. Hard to stomach for the Kop, we know, but undeniably true.

7) David Haye (down)

Sports Watch bows to no-one in our deference to boxers, but Haye is meant to be the real deal, a teak-tough testosterone drip who can defeat a Russian who is bigger than prime-time Bolshevism. So tough is our David that he refused to reschedule his fight lest it clash with The X-Factor. We cannot recall Muhammad Ali being similarly intimidated by Opportunity Knocks, but take Jedward to murder some ballad by the middle eight.

6) Sir Alex Ferguson (up)

Oh, this is rich. Our beloved hero burst a new capillary this week as he watched Darren Fletcher upended in the penalty area against CSKA Moscow and not receive the customary Old Trafford penalty. "The worst [decision] I have ever seen in my lifetime," Taggart II raged. Which is not to be confused with "the worst decision I never saw in my lifetime" (copyright Arsene Wenger), or indeed any pre-birth decision. Let's be honest, if you can't kick Darren Fletcher then the game's gone.

5) Cesc Fabregas (up)

Is there a better midfield player around? Gerrard? Lampard? Er, Fletcher? We don't think so.

4) Andy Murray (new entry)

Stig of the Dump has signed a new £10 million deal with adidas. Hard to see where the marketing people were coming from on this one. A slightly surly Scot with the sort of monotone, transatlantic drawl not heard since Joss Stone had a city break in LA. Murray is a top class tennis player but has a style that can best be termed skip-chic. Next week - Jimmy Five Bellies signs for Nike.

3) Everton fans (new entry)

Maybe there are some rumblings. Maybe they are just drowned out by the moaning over the park. However, the Everton fans we have met of late are still backing David Moyes. This, despite Everton being far worse than Liverpool, who of course are the disgruntled side of Newcastle. Moyes is obviously a good manager and Everton are obviously having a bad start to the season. Recommended action? Nothing.

2) Paula Radcliffe (up)

To many she lost and cried. To Sports Watch, she ran 26 miles on one leg and still came fourth in the New York Marathon. Funny how we believe our football team is a world beater because it beat Kazakhstan and lost to Spain, but we damn a true world beater because she has lost three times ever.

1) Matt Stairs (new entry)

A weekend in New York and Sports Watch has fallen for rounders with handlebar moustaches. This is the only sport where a large amount of players, typified by the Philadelphia Phillies' designated hitter/eater, are overweight. Many are scarred. Some, like Stairs, are over 40. Alas, the Yankees won the World Series in the sixth, but the very sight of a fat man from the Village People playing pro sport was lovely to see.

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