Monday

Please. This way. You are honoured journalist guest. Let us not speak of Xinjiang. Uighur people are majority simple picturesque people, uninterested in politics and easily confused. They are grateful to be part of Chinese effort to create state-of-art, out-of-town business park covering one fifth of globe.

Please. Admire swimming pool. Admire Bird’s Nest stadium. Admire spanking new park. Before? Nothing. Dirty shacks, unmodernised for hundreds of years. Not like glorious Bird’s Nest stadium, which you are perhaps not yet adequately admiring. Not designed by Sir Norman Foster, unlike airport, which you will of course have been admiring yesterday. Yes. Like Stansted.

It is a good park, yes? Old happy picturesque inhabitants are now living in happy picturesque breeze-block township in outer suburbs. No. You may not visit. For what? Please. Admire stadium. No? Why do you hate China? Why do you hate Chinese people? You want us to be colony? You want oppressed China, like of last century? Go to your room. Admire not having any dinner.

Tuesday

Please. We are friends again. This way. Through door. No need to open door. We have humans for opening door. Human left and human right. See? Human right in China! Admire sense of humour! See? Sense of humour in China, too! Not like you are telling wife last night, in private conversation on cellular telephone.

Yes. Of course we are listening to your telephone conversation. This is our culture. You are not liking Chinese culture? You are racist? Why do you come to China if you are racist and hate Chinese people? You want YouTube video of your stupid journalist face on dancing Margaret Thatcher ass? No? Good. Admire extensive out-of-town bus service. Admire recent ban on vests.

Wednesday

Please. Let us not speak of British abseiling protest team. Why do you hate China? Why do you hate Chinese people? Well, then. Already they have seen error of their ways, as you will see in swiftly edited protester blog containing sincere remorse and mysterious lack of definite or indefinite article.

Remember, the situation of the Tibet Utterly Autonomous Yet Totally Controlled From Beijing Region is very complex. These are simple picturesque people, uninterested in politics and easily confused. What do they know of your human rights? The problem is minority foreign-inspired troublemakers who hate Chinese people and will be sorry just as soon as they have the infrastructure to see what we say about them on blogs and YouTube. Enough. Please. Admire skyscraper. At least, admire bottom third of skyscraper. Admire smog. Chinese smog is best smog in world. Yes. Sir Norman Foster smog. Like Stansted.

Thursday

Good morning. Commiserations on your poor night’s sleep. Yes. Hidden CCTV camera in light fitting showed tossing and turning all night long, interrupted only by 3am cellphone argument with wife. Perhaps she was right? Always good to buy new car? Commiserations also on poor choice of in-room television pornography. We recommend Channel 3. Please. Admire this pork breakfast bun.

Friday

Admire thoroughly stunning opening ceremony! Admire what we have done without Steven stupid Spielberg, who pulled out because he hates China and hates Chinese people and now looks pretty damn stupid on blogs and YouTube, as does Mia Farrow. Please.

Text your wife about it. Again. Last time you misspelt both “t’ai chi” and “plasma screen”.

Later we admire Olympic Village. Please. Admire Danish pole-vaulter. Admire Ghanian sprinter. Admire British coach. But please. No questions about human rights. These are simple picturesque people, uninterested in politics and easily confused.