Music

The Beatles v Johnny Hallyday

The most influential beat combo in history against a man who was recently turned down for Belgian citizenship. Hmm. Admittedly, the Beatles did turn out a few duff tunes, such as Rocky Raccoon, and the drummer ended up voicing Thomas the Tank Engine, but they were über-cool compared with France’s self-styled love god and leather-clad/faced pensioner. Given his age and the fact that Hallyday still looks like a 1980s relic, he has achieved the remarkable feat of being ahead of his time and 20 years too late. Meanwhile, the Beatles live on in every guitar band this side of the St Malo Accordion Club.

Winner: ENGLAND

Expert View

How Sheridan goes against France is worth the trip to Paris alone

Sir Clive Woodward

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BACKGROUND

• Cueto ready to prove his point in Dad’s Army

• Hipkiss bid to force Ashton’s hand falls short

• Clive Woodward: Why England are my favourites

• Resurgent Gomarsall sets his sights on summit

BACKGROUND

• France exceed all expectations as hosts

• Steyn presents threat in close final

• Broccoli for breakfast is recipe for success

• The rough (sleeper’s) guide to Paris

BACKGROUND

• Man of the moment - as seen by his friends

• Historic win sealed by a drop of the hard stuff

• Rescued from defeat by grab of a bootlace

• Replacements show worth off bench

BACKGROUND

• South Africa lack usual fluency on way to final

• Brown to join fans at World Cup final

• Paris travel frenzy for World Cup final

BACKGROUND

• South Africa lack usual fluency on way to final

• Brown to join fans at World Cup final

• Paris travel frenzy for World Cup final

Multimedia

• Graphic: where the final could be won

Multimedia

• The World Cup Podcast

• Josh Lewsey's video diary

• The Rugby World Cup blog

Sex symbol

Jordan v Catherine Deneuve

France, by and large, is a country built on sex. You see this in the street, where people kiss each other on every cheek going rather than recoiling in horror at the offer of a stiff handshake, as is the custom in Blighty. The women, too, are generally angular and attractive, with neat bobs and an air of mystery, while their English counterparts are salad-dodging chavs with bad tattoos and a whiff of kebab fat. Deneuve was a proper actress who once played a bisexual vampire opposite David Bowie. Jordan is famous for having a large chest and marrying an irritating Aussie.

Winner: FRANCE

Poetry

William Wordsworth v Arthur Rimbaud

Wordsworth is best known for penning a ditty about daffodils and being a founding father of the Romantic poetry movement that has blighted the childhood of every schoolboy. Rimbaud, by contrast, ran away from home, became an anarchist, shacked up with a bloke who shot him, drank gallons of absinthe, deserted from the Dutch Army and even found time to knock out a few poems. Take your choice from the dullest man in the Lake District and the original enfant terrible. The cultural cringe was exposed when Eric Cantona said he was influenced by this free spirit, only for Leeds United fans to turn up to the ground wearing full combat gear as an homage to Rambo.

Winner: FRANCE

Humour

The Office v Mime

The French are not a funny ha-ha nation. Indeed, The Simpsons suggested that they were more your cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Its writers were only joking. Of course, having no sense of humour, the French would not get that. French people think that Marcel Marceau, that recently departed numbskull who painted his face white, wore a striped shirt and pretended to be encased in a glass box, was a hoot. While it seemed strange to some that the French were loath to attack Saddam Hussein, while letting Marceau do his invisible rope-pulling trick unopposed, mime became curiously popular and is to be seen all over Paris. The Office was funny, wise and true. It also had words.

Winner: ENGLAND

Food

Sunday lunch v Nouvelle cuisine

France is responsible for some of the most overpriced, undercooked, full-fat pretentiousness in the culinary world. But if you like your sea bass to come in microscopic canapés with a surround of fennel shavings arranged to represent the Pompidou Centre, this is for you. Go to Paris and you can get a waiter to abuse you while you wonder why it takes three Michelin stars to serve raw meat. Alternatively, stay in and have a Sunday lunch with roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, lashings of onion gravy and an afternoon film in the background.

Winner: ENGLAND

Art

Romantics v Impressionists

Owing to their lack of humour, the French were seriously good tortured artists. You can take your pick from Monet, Cézanne, Renoir and Manet. The last famously painted nude women at a picnic, which may be termed the archetypal rural French scene. In return, we had dreary biscuit-tin fodder from John Constable and Co, where the zenith of excitement was his painting of a deranged farmer parking his horse and cart in a river. Later, a new age of English artists would pickle sharks and forget to make their beds in a desperate attempt to make up ground.

Winner: FRANCE

Fashion

Marks & Spencer v Jean Paul Gaultier

Or, to put it another way, M&S v S&M. The French are largely responsible for the fashion show where an anorexic coathanger will be made to look like a cross between a prize-winning meringue and a tipsy hooker. Gaultier designs gimp suits for orange women and has a penchant for the pointy bra, although you can achieve similar results yourself via a couple of traffic cones and a roll of bacon foil. Meanwhile, Marks & Sparks do nice socks.

Winner: ENGLAND

Sport

Rugby v Pétanque

The national sport of France is pétanque. Common sense dictates that years spent hanging around outside dusty bars in Provence, drinking pastis and throwing metal balls into a sandpit is poor preparation for a World Cup semi-final in rugby. Happily, the national sport of England is rugby (it is this week, anyway).

Winner: ENGLAND