1 The beautiful game

How can football be called beautiful when players fall over every five paces? Now, a rolling maul, when a phalanx of eight men drives the ball 30 yards, that is real beauty.

2 A man’s game

Wayne Shelford, the former All Blacks No 8, had his scrotum ripped open by France and played on. Dida, the AC Milan goalkeeper, got flicked on the cheek by a fan and was carried off.

3 A family game

Children are always welcome at rugby games and often toddlers wander up and down the touchline without fear. If you kick one between the uprights, it’s three points.

4 A (responsible) drinking game

An overheard phone conversation from a football fan behind me at the Varsity match a few years ago: “It’s very different to Villa Park, everyone is drinking from hip flasks.”

5 A fraternal game

Supporters are trusted to watch the game side-by-side without armed police at hand. Getting plastered in the clubhouse with the opposition’s fans afterwards is encouraged.

6 An unglamorous game

Apart from Gabby Logan, who was famous before she married Kenny, can you name a single famous rugby wife or girlfriend? No? And isn’t that an excellent thing?

7 A musical game

Football songs are dull, repetitive and lack much wit. Rugby songs, especially if sung by the Welsh, are tuneful and fun. Even the one about the bishop and the celery.

8 A respectful game

Rugby fans treat match officials with the esteem they deserve. “Watch out for the high tackles, sir,” they shout. Closely followed by: “Are you ****ing blind, sir? You w*****, sir.”

9 A dramatic but untheatrical game

Why do footballers make such a song and dance of everything? If you aren’t injured, don’t fall over. If you get thumped, thump him back – and then have a drink together.

10 A game at which England can beat Germany

Germany are No 26 in rugby union’s world rankings; England are sixth. They are not likely ever to meet – and if they do, Jonny will ensure that we never lose on penalties.