IT HAS NOT BEEN THE BUILD-UP to the season that I anticipated, what with the earthquake in Japan and the appendix scare I suffered there. But then, I have had to get used to dealing with the unexpected. I am fit and ready to go now and hope that the problems of the past two years are behind me. I just want to play some rugby. I haven’t had any rugby since the Lions tour. I have had a pre-season, but have had to avoid any contact on my neck. I am easing my way back in, but the key for me is getting out there. Hopefully I’ll feature in some part tonight against Sale Sharks and Charlie Hodgson, a player I respect hugely.
I just want normality again. I want to be similar to everyone else, to have the right to go out there and play, to start attacking my goals and my dreams. In a way it’s like starting out all over again.
It’s phase two, if you like. I have to be careful because I was very fortunate in the first half of my career. Perhaps what I have been through makes me appreciate that. On the other hand, looking back, it makes me realise how unfortunate I have been over the past two years. I haven’t really had a shot at achieving anything since the World Cup. My aim this year is to improve as a player and as a person. I must not get bitter about the setbacks, but try to give something back to the game.
Everything I wanted to achieve has been taken away from me in the most painful way. Your good work is being unravelled because you are constantly dealing with injury, and the negatives that come from injury. In the media they are continually asking: “Will he do this or that again?” That type of speculation is all rubbish, really. I never read the papers but other people have said to me: “I can ’t believe they are writing this about you.” Yes, I have had a few injuries, but I am fit to go. The thing that gets me most is that I am always working towards trying to achieve my goals. I do as much as I can to work towards that, but there comes a time when you put your hand up and say: “I can’t do anything more about this. There’s nothing I can do about my neck, my leg, or my arm. It is silly, it is not my fault.” I don’t know what I am supposed to do except try harder, and come back fitter.
The appendix? I started feeling stomach cramps three days after we got to Japan for the club’s tour. I thought it would pass but, 12 hours later, I went to hospital because the pain was getting worse. I had some treatment and went back to the hotel, but only slept about an hour. By 2pm the next day, the pain got so intense I went back to hospital. That was when they took some scans and told me I had an appendicitis. I was attached to a drip for the whole time with antibiotics. I didn’t eat really for two or three days, so I lost a load of weight and felt really weak and dizzy. I was in so much pain that if I hadn’t known it was the appendix, I would have been really worried. The hospital television didn’t have any English channels and after the guys moved on to Nagoya, I started to feel claustrophobic. Doctors then said I was OK to go and I flew home as soon as I could. A few people who were big rugby fans in Tokyo gave me get-well cards, and little gifts, which was great.
As the appendix does not serve a function, normally the doctors always take it out. That obviously creates issues for me because the recovery period is six to eight weeks, which is not ideal. It might be I will have to have it out at a later date, but if I can make it through to the end of the season, I will. I am very optimistic about it, but if it flares up I will have it out. If not, I’ll wait until the end of the season.
The day before I was ill we were caught up in the earthquake. Sparks (my brother Mark) and I were lying on our beds and suddenly it sounded as though we were in a thin-walled room with a staircase going round it, with hundreds of people running up the stairs and around the room. We looked at each other, and having known what an earthquake is like after experiencing one last year when I was in Japan, I realised what was happening.
We were on the twelfth floor; the building was really swaying. It just started to get to the point where I was about to panic when the earthquake subsided. The fact that you have a multistorey building which is bending, you are in it, you know underneath the ground something crazy is happening with the tectonic plates, which makes you think what an incredible thing it is to be part of. I looked out the doorway and all our guys were in the corridor asking: “What the hell was that?” I am really looking forward to the new season. I have to move on and I am really looking forward to having things to mull over. Even having criticism is better than having nothing to go on. With all the work I have done and continue to do, I have got to put that somewhere. At the moment it is all good work that is wasted as it is just sitting there in my head. I need to find out if it is of use to me and what else I need to work on, tinker with.
As a player it is enormously important to be able to set your sights at the level of championships and winning things. Newcastle Falcons have always had ambition and to know that you are moving in the right direction is important. We are. We have recruited fantastically; to have that genuine feeling that you could make an impact is great. I have a desire to be successful here — to try to be a part of and influence success. I am a stubborn one for that. I have to try and succeed regardless of how severely it seems the odds are stacked against me. I do not give in. My dream when I came here was to be successful and win in Europe. That has not happened. It is a goal. I have got to know that my dreams and desires are shared by the other players and coaches, that the work ethic is there; and I know it is.
The whole place runs like a great family. The morals and ethics have been laid down by the likes of Inga Tuigamala, Dean Ryan, Pat Lam and Gary Armstrong. Now as the longest-serving player, I want to make sure their efforts are not wasted.
