Sports Calendar

Andy Murray “Should have been told about it earlier . . . groan, mumble . . . too hot . . . mumble, sigh . . . balls heavier, serve slower . . . complain, moan, sigh . . . ”

Now if we could just ban those soggy towels and inane cries

Pretty much everyone agrees that the new roof is a fantastic enhancement to the Wimbledon experience, and a development from which the All England Club will reap vast benefits in the years to come. Here are three further ways in which the championships could be improved.

1, Ban all use of towels by players beyond a 10ft radius of the umpire’s chair; no more carting your towel down to the baseline, in other words. Wristbands and headbands were considered adequate for mid-game sopping-up duties in the past, when the sweat flowed just as freely, and they must become so again. Even after solitary mis-hit returns, players are now routinely towelling-down like a miner at the end of a ten-hour shift.

Quite apart from the arbitrary delay, it’s an unfair and demeaning burden on the exemplary ballboys and ballgirls, many of whom spend far more time working as proxy spa attendants than they do as ball-retrievers. If you had to endure 2½ hours of having an increasingly soggy bath towel contemptuously dropped at your feet by some stone-faced Ukrainian . . . well, you would probably agree that restricting towelling-down to changeovers would be a huge step forward.

2, Clamp down on people who shout dumb things between points. In particular, the shouting of “Come on, Tim” in matches not featuring anyone called Tim, should be made subject to immediate eviction from the grounds, possibly even a lifetime ban without appeal.

Surely, in the age of CCTV, identifying the perpetrators would be simple enough. The uniformed military are already present at Wimbledon as stewards, but most of their energy seems to be spent on being charming to people and flirting with confused ticket-holders. Let’s expand their remit and see them wade in and get properly busy with the freelance humourists. Titterers: you’re next.

3, Put a roof on Henman Hill — perhaps in the shape of a strawberry. An ambitious project, this, architecturally speaking, and probably impossible. But we’ve got to have something to campaign for and complain about, otherwise it’s not Wimbledon.

I take the law firm to beat the wine importers

You don’t have to sound like a high-powered American law firm to make it to Wimbledon as a doubles partnership, but it helps. Eaton & Slabinsky, Fyrstenberg & Matkowski, Skupski & O’Brien, Beck & Levinsky . . . they all sound like the kind of people you’d be reassured to find alongside you at the table at your next divorce / paternity suit / plea against wrongful dismissal.

The good news is, though, that there’s also room in the doubles draws for upscale London estate agents (Kendrick & Querrey), makers of posh shirts (Aspelin & Hanley), makers of posh shoes (Huss & Hutchins), suppliers of orthopaedic sandals (Borwell & Keothavong) and good, old-fashioned boiled sweet manufacturers (Fisher & Spears).

And that’s before we even get to that famous New York delicatessen, Lipsky & Makarova, and those distinguished wine importers, Mertinak & Santangelo. And let’s not forget our favourite — the popular, if slightly violent, kids’ cartoon duo, Bammer & Glatch.

As for Bolelli & Seppi, I’m sure we had them for my daughter’s third birthday party. And very entertaining they were, too.