Have you been kicked off a plane? Tell us your stories using the form below

Good morning, and welcome to BloggsAir. Before you board today, do you mind answering a few questions? Splendid. Just let me get my clipboard ... right, off we go.

Are you dressed revealingly? Is there a large toy crocodile in your hand luggage? While on this flight, do you intend to read pornography, emit offensive body odour or perhaps sing a topical football-based ditty?

If so, the chances are you’re going to get slung off. All the above offences have recently resulted in passengers being escorted from the plane by stony-faced airport-security bods. In fact, over the past few years, cabin crew have taken to turfing us out of planes in unprecedented numbers.

Only a few days ago, the otherwise blameless Dr Paolo Tomasi from London was unceremoniously dumped off a Ryanair flight for the heinous crime of talking to his eight-year-old son during the safety briefing.

Getting ejected for having a chat lacks class, though. It’s a bit meek, a bit pedestrian. Aren’t there ways of doing it with more panache?

Oh yes there are. Here is our guide to involuntary deplaning with style, all based on real and recent episodes.

SING ABOUT FOOTBALLERS’ UNDERWEAR

After a fine win over Cardiff last year, fans of Sunderland AFC boarded an EasyJet flight in buoyant mood and sang the praises of their chairman in time-honoured terrace fashion. In case you’re not a regular at the Stadium of Light, the lyrics, to the tune of ’Ere We Go, ’Ere We Go, ’Ere We Go, are as follows: “Niall Quinn’s disco pants are the best.

They go up from his arse to his chest. They’re better than Adam and the Ants, Niall Quinn’s disco pants.” EasyJet staff, unused to Wearside poetry, called the police and had all 100 fans thrown off. Quinn himself shelled out £8,000 for taxis to get them home.

Style rating: 10 - and 11 for Quinn. What a guy.

PAY INSUFFICIENT ATTENTION TO PERSONAL HYGIENE