If you don’t mind my saying, we — that’s you and I, not the royal — have a bit of a problem on holiday. Maybe it’s the 38,000ft altitude? The pressurised cabin? Side effects of that metal-detector wand the airport people use to check that your belt still beeps? Whatever it is, something happens when we leave these fair shores that induces intense moments of stupidity.

I’ve been stupid. I arrived at an airport in northern Iceland, walked out to the hire car, put my luggage down to open the boot, opened the boot, closed the boot and drove off. A good six hours of winding, fjordy roads later, I clocked that the luggage was still in the car park. Another good six hours of the same winding, fjordy roads in reverse, I found the luggage still sitting in the car park.

There’s more — swimming with passports, not swimming with sunblock, ordering sheep’s eyes by accident, ordering sheep’s stomach on purpose, locking car keys in the car or villa keys in the villa, laughing at an Austrian policeman. I’ve done all these things, but I’m sure I’m not alone.

Go on, admit it. You’ve done some stupid things as well, haven’t you? Left your airline tickets at home? Driven clockwise round a French round-about? Eaten seafood in Hungary? To make you and me feel better, I asked the travel industry to tell me about the most stupid tourists they’ve ever encountered. All the stupid people quoted here are entirely real. The stupid things they said are also real. It made me feel a bit better — and, unless you’re one of them, it should make you feel better too.

NEVER MISS A GAME
A man checking in for a flight to Spain asked if he could carry the box beside him as hand luggage. It had a wire sticking out of it, so the check-in staff asked what it was.

“My TV.”

“Why are you taking your TV on holiday?” “We’re playing Real Madrid on Wednesday and I want to listen to John Motson, not some Spanish commentator. So I’m taking my TV.”

He’s not the only one. Apparently, soap addicts turn up at Heathrow all the time with their TVs in tow, determined not to miss the latest trysts of Kat, Ken and Deirdre. Imagine their disappointment when they arrive.

ALL ABOARD
A man booking with DFDS Seaways asked if an outside cabin — described in the brochure as being “with porthole” — was above sea level. Another customer who hadn’t read the small print called to ask if the portholes had glass in them. Both of these, however, deserve less of a dunce cap than the young lady on a Voyages of Discovery cruise who asked one of the crew what time the midnight buffet was served.

Or, indeed, the man who disembarked in Barbados and asked an immigration official if the island had water all the way round.

Then there was the guy who went to Orlando. On returning from his holiday, he called his tour operator in a rage. He had been expecting an ocean-view room. The operator explained that this was not possible, because Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he replied. “I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”

NO HEAD FOR HEIGHTS
A Kumuka passenger, panicking at altitude in South America, wondered if it would affect him more than the rest of the group because he was the tallest. Ditto a Travelbag client, worrying in the Himalayas because he came from Norfolk. And then there was the poor dear who, standing on the beach in Rio, asked a Trips Worldwide leader what altitude they were at.

NATURE TAMED
At the Reykjavik tourist information centre, a woman wanted to know what time they switched the northern lights on. She may have been on the same medication as the woman who asked the Jordan Tourism Board if her swimming costume would rot if she swam in the Dead Sea. Or the lovely lady who rang to ask a company what temperatures she could expect on her Greek-island holiday. After being advised accordingly, she got a bit huffy. “Well, in that case I’m going with Thomson,” she puffed. “It’s hotter if I book with them”.

Then there’s the David Attenborough one. On an African safari, a ranger for Discover the World was asked if the giraffes hunted in packs. When he explained that all the giraffes he knew were vegetarian, the woman threatened to report him for winding her up.

AIRHEADS
A customer on the phone to Audley Travel wanted to know why it takes more than two hours to fly to Amsterdam and just 10 minutes to fly back. She refused to be convinced by the agent’s gentle explanation about time zones.

An equally aggrieved woman called her tour operator and asked: “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” “No,” said the operator. “Why doyou ask?” “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight. Is there any connection?” After further questioning, it emerged she was flying to Fresno: the air-port code is, yes, you’ve guessed it, FAT.

The most fabulous flyer of all has to be the woman who called Bridge the World to book a flight to Australia. “I’d like to reserve a seat over the black box, please,” she said. When asked why (and you would ask, wouldn’t you?), she replied: “Well, it has to be the safest place — they always find the black box, don’t they?” Genius.

THE FUSSY EATER
Of course, there are those people that are very, very smart. Like this guy. On a returned Travelbag Adventures booking form, under special dietary requirements, Britain’s smartest traveller wrote: “No brussels sprouts.”