Haslam’s tips: consider staying over. Prices for a night in one of the two superbly themed hotels start at £123 for a family of four, if you book online, and hotel guests are allowed into the park an hour before the public, so you could dispense with the fast passes. The price includes a buffet breakfast. If you take food and drink into the park, and use your own towels in the water park, you could save £50. Otherwise, book a family ticket online and you’ll save £20.

Alton Towers Resort, Staffordshire; 0871 222 9950, www.altontowers.com

Chessington
Gate price £86
Fast passes £120
Map 50p
Snacks and lunch £45.45
Souvenirs £14
Total price £265.95
Hours of fun 8
Cost per hour £33.24

What’s good? Sea Life Centre, Chessington’s newest attraction, is sublime. If you arrive at the park early – and if you’re paying £266 for a day out, you probably should – come here first. Everyone else will have sprinted for the rollercoasters, meaning you’ll have time to linger and enjoy the only peace you’ll get all day in a maze of awesome aquariums staffed by enthusiastic educators who are happy to talk fish with your kids. The wildlife shows are excellent, too. The best way to treat Chessington is not as a theme park with animals, but as a zoo with rides, thus allowing your wallet the consolation that this is an educational experience. Back-seat opinion in my car on the journey home was that the sea-lion show was the highlight of the day.

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It is properly family-friendly, too. While its stable-mate Thorpe Park has been redefined for the teenage market, Chessington is proud that all of its rides are aimed at the under12s. Whatever else you do here, do not miss the revitalised Bubbleworks.

What’s not? Again, the queues. As with Alton Towers, it’s up to you whether you waste time or money. If you have time to spare, allow at least an hour for signature rides Dragon’s Fury and Vampire. If money’s no object, then splash out on fast passes.

The sideshows are a cheek. When you’ve paid the price of a weekend in Paris to get in, the last thing you want is to have to run the gauntlet of hoopla and a shooting gallery for the opportunity – at £2 a go – to win a cuddly rottweiler for a whining child. And what’s with the cashpoint charges? ATMs here charge £1.50 per withdrawal. Chessington says this is because the “only way to provide this service is through a third party, which charges us”, but Alton Towers – like Chessington, owned by Merlin – provides free cash withdrawals. Not good enough.

Rip-off or not? Rip-off. Kids will love it, as much for the animals as the rides, but parents are in a catch22: unless you go on a weekday, in term time, you won’t get value for money without buying fast passes; and if you buy fast passes, you won’t get value for money.

Haslam’s tips: save £8 on a family ticket by booking online. If you can’t stretch to £30 a head for those fast passes, the second-class version, allowing queue jumping at preallocated times on the top six rides, costs £7 per person.

Chessington World of Adventures, Surrey; 0870 999 0045, www.chessington.co.uk

Tower of London
Ticket price £46
Snacks £14.40
Lunch £37.90
Souvenirs £14.49
Total price £112.79
Hours of fun 4
Cost per hour £28.20

What’s good? Don’t miss the guided tours of the Tower by the Yeoman Warders – aka Beefeaters – because not only are they great theatre, they’re also free. If you’re really lucky, you’ll find yourself being dragged through the gore-splattered precincts by former sergeant major Dicky Dover, who combines the eloquence of Olivier with the humour of Frankie Howerd and the facial expressions of old man Steptoe.

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