As the crocodile narrowed its prehistoric eyes, serrated jaws gaping greedily, I started to wonder whether it knew about that crocodile handbag I had bought in the sales last year. When I remembered the matching shoes, I broke out in a guilty sweat. Crocodiles are the oldest living species on Earth (excluding Keith Richards). This is because they are perfectly evolved killing machines. Cows, kangaroos, sheep, tourists; they’re not fussy.

And, judging by the way this one was snapping at my heels, crocodiles also have some serious anger-management issues. Then there was the fact that after a 24-hour flight to North Queensland, my dehydrated skin was looking dry; scaly even. Dear God! What if it wanted to mate?

If I was going to spend time in the Tropics, I would have to get to a spa, and fast. The nearby five-star Thala Beach Lodge, set in 145 acres of wooded headland and secluded beaches, is less than an hour from Cairns international airport. The air is perfumed by the tang of the rainforest, the wind a warm caress of eucalyptus and frangipani, laced with the spicy scent of the sea. Every deluxe treehouse cabin has a view of either the Jurassic mountains or the dolphins and migrating whales of the Pacific. And the spa prides itself on a holistic, organic approach.

Cosmetic surgery — what I call Shopping and Tucking — is now passé. Women have wised up to the fact that facelifts and collagen can have nasty side -effects, such as developing thick Californian accents. Non-invasive treatments are all the rage and spa hotels can be a convenient place to try them. If only beauticians wouldn’t use such obfuscatory jargon to sell it to us. “Accelerated empowerment”, “wellness technology”, “facial rehabilitation”; it’s hard not to be dazzled by the lingo of beauty science.

Even Thala’s magnificent Evolution Spa is no exception. The beauticians promise that the “Dreamtime” experience uses plant hormones “to revive a couple’s energy and solemnise the spiritual bond”. Is that legal between consenting adults? What this really means is a blissful massage on a perfect beach and a pampering pedicure by the pool. So why not just say so?

Women, desperate to be wrinkle-free and thin as skittles, get bowled over by whatever is the latest beauty trend. We leap aboard anti-ageing fads as though they were the last helicopter out of Saigon during the Vietnam War. Five days at the Thala Lodge and I did look years younger, but not because I’d been rubbing on the latest mix of minced Norwegian fluke fish and puréed sloth or whatever. It was because I was so rested and relaxed.

Thala Beach Lodge is laid-back, tranquil and exquisitely beautiful, making it the best beauty treatment going.

Need to know

Thala Beach Lodge, Port Douglas, Queensland; www.thalabeach.com.au, 00 61 7 40985700. Book through Turquoise Holidays (0870 4434177; www.turquoiseholidays.co.uk)

Thala Beach Lodge in brief

Ambience Laid-back sophistication. Relaxed, spacious, inspiring. There’s a pool, beach, Barrier Reef, plus lots of fun activities for kids – crocodile farms, bird sanctuaries, rainforest walks and scuba diving — nearby.

Experience The service is warm and child-friendly. Therapists are enthusiastic.

Food The open-plan restaurant offers good, hearty food, from ginger and lemon-infused crème brulées to green curry of crocodile.

In crowd The former Russian leader Mikhail Gorbachev was a recent guest.

Wallet watch Treatments available range from the Lazy Lizard rehydration body scrub (15 minutes for £15) to the Sunrise on the Thala (2¾ hours, £120), which includes a detoxifying body wrap, massage, facial, scalp and foot massage. Seven nights in a Coral Sea Bungalow, with Qantas economy-class flights to Cairns and car hire, is from £1,975 per person.

Kathy Lette’s latest novel is How to Kill Your Husband, And Other Handy Household Hints (Simon & Schuster, £7.50)

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