In the old movie The Professionals, my namesake, Robert Ryan, is berated by Burt Lancaster for being too sentimental about his charges, a string of horses. When a handsome mare has to be shot after a gunfight, Ryan is distraught, but Burt growls: “You’re happy to watch 10 men die, but when it comes to one of God’s dumbest creatures . . .” He shakes his head in dismay.

Now, much as my sympathies ought to lie with the perennially underrated Ryan, I’m with the former acrobat on this one. Why do horses reduce people to cooing and gurning idiots?

I say this as someone who has a wife and two daughters for whom every holiday has to include at least one ride. Never mind – I can go off for lunch or a long walk with my 10-year-old son, who shares my lack of interest.

Or, at least, I used to be able to.

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Then the boy betrayed me. He, too, wanted to learn to ride, he admitted.

This was an even bigger shock than him coming out as an Arsenal fan. Faced with total abandonment, I decided I’d better try this inthesaddle lark. I opted to mount up in Jamaica – nice and sunny. So, the cold, relentless downpour that accompanied us was something of a surprise. The warmest place to be was the sea. Which was where my horse found a fissure in the sea bed the size of the Mariana Trench – and nearly catapulted me over its neck.

I clung on and, as a result, discovered why footballers’ groin strains can be so debilitating. However, one battle lost does not decide the war, and no sooner had the pain faded than the family began agitating for me to try again. In Ireland, this time, where the horse is an integral part of landscape and legend.

We were staying at the Cahernane Hotel, on the outskirts of Killarney, which has as its back garden the hills and deer of the Killarney National Park and the peaks of Reeks. My wife had booked us all in at the local stable for a “gentle ride” through the beautiful, sun-dappled park, down to the silky waters of Lough Leane.

Gentle ride, my ass and my donkey. Killarney Riding Stables is a 110-horse monster that takes its riding very seriously indeed. The two girls who led our group into the park made sure everyone was put through their paces, expertly correcting my sack o’spuds slouch over the course of two hours into something almost elegant. In the dying moments of the ride, one of them turned to me and asked if I wanted to canter. Canter? Er, isn’t that running before you can walk? Nonsense, she said – you’re ready.

And so I found myself standing in the stirrups, mud flying around me, ducking as we powered through a thicket of oaks, a strange noise in my ears. That was me, whooping. When we stopped, I noticed a flush of victory on my wife and daughters’ faces. “Are we having fun yet?” they asked. I mumbled my reply. It might have been yes. Robert Ryan would be proud.

Riding in Killarney

Killarney Riding Stables (00 353-64 31686, www.killarney-trail-riding.com) is the only outfit allowed to use the national park. It offers one, two- or three-hour trails for £26, £45 and £63 respectively; two-day trips, staying at B&Bs, cost £326pp, and six-day trips are £814pp.

Where to stay: Killarney stables runs well-appointed self-catering properties. The Cahernane Hotel (64 31895, www.cahernane.com) is a 17th-century manor house with a modern wing (larger rooms, less atmosphere); doubles from £126, including an excellent breakfast. It also serves a great dinner.

The contemporary Aghadoe Heights (64 31766, www.aghadoeheights.com), a few minutes’ drive from the stables, comes with breathtaking views over the park and lakes of Killarney. It also has an award-winning spa. Doubles start at £160, including full breakfast.

In central Killarney, the family-run (since 1926) Arbutus Hotel (64 31037, www.arbutuskillarney.com) is a good bet. Doubles start at £85, B&B.

Getting there: the need to transport hats, boots, jodhpurs and so on makes driving and ferrying a better option than flying. Stena Line (0870 570 7070, www.stenaline.com) has ferries from Fishguard to Rosslare and Holyhead to Dun Laoghaire; from £80 each way for a car and driver (£15 per extra adult, £5 per child). For more ferry options and riding holidays, call Tourism Ireland on 0800 039 7000 or visit www.discoverireland.com.

The next step

AFTER YOU’VE mastered the basics, there are plenty of companies to help you progress up the equine ladder. These are the kind of things currently being dangled before me . . .

Walk in France

Inntravel (01653 617949, www. inntravel.co.uk) has a good-value, entry-level centre, Les Juliannes, in the Tarn valley. The programme is highly flexible and suits all abilities and ages, with mounts ranging from Shetland ponies to large horses. Guests bond with their chosen mount by grooming and tacking up each day, then hosing down after a hack in the special horse shower. There’s an option to cycle through the country lanes; or, for the saddle-weary, the pool beckons. Seven nights, half-board with wine, cost £432pp (children from £275), including ferry crossings.

Trot in Spain

Finca el Moro is an old farmhouse set in the sierras of western Andalusia, with rides through the great cork forests. You have to be reasonably competent for this – groups are limited to six, and there are 4-6 hours a day in the saddle, moving from the finca and staying at small, family-run hotels along the way. A week starts at £990pp, all-inclusive, with transfers, but not flights – to Seville, from Liverpool or Stansted, through Ryanair (0871 246 0000, www.ryanair.com). There are also “riding out” weeks – you return to the farm each night after a different trek through the hills (from £875). For more details, call Finca el Moro on 00 34 959 501079 or visit www.fincaelmoro.com.

Canter in Italy

By now, you should know your Asturian from your Estonian, in which case you are ready to travel with a global outfit such as Ride Worldwide (01837 82544, www.rideworldwide. com). But you don’t have to go long-haul to move up a gear: the company operates riding programmes out of Rendola, an Italian farmhouse near the small market town of Montevarchi, midway between Florence and Siena.

The “Castles” ride includes a couple of nights at the farmhouse, then a circular ride to Siena, staying at farmhouses en route and in a hotel in Siena for two nights (without the horse). For these rides, you really need to be comfortable at a walk, trot and canter. Children are welcome; the minimum age is usually between 8 and 10, but much depends on experience. A week costs £1,158pp including accommodation in twin rooms, riding, meals, drinks and transfers from and to Florence, but not flights. The best option is to fly to Pisa, then take the train to Florence. Airlines serving Pisa include British Airways (0870 850 9850, www. ba.com), from Gatwick, or Ryanair (0871 246 0000, www.ryanair.com), from many regional UK airports.

Also at this level, Discover the World (01737 218800, www.discover-the-world.co.uk) has riding holidays for intermediates and above in Iceland, on which you can explore the unique “cruise control” gait (“tolt”) of the Icelandic pony. A three-day tour starts at £875pp, including flights.

Gallop the globe

The world is now your saddled-up oyster, and the possibilities are endless, from playing cowboy in the USA, with the likes of Ranch America (0845 277 3306, www.ranchamerica.co.uk), or in Alberta and British Columbia, with Frontier Canada (020 8776 8709, www.frontier-travel.co.uk), to playing polo in Argentina with Journey Latin America (020 8747 8315, www.journeylatinamerica.co.uk).

Perhaps you want to get up close and personal with Africa, through Safari Consultants (01787 888590, www.safari-consultants.co.uk), which features all the key destinations, or Okavango Tours and Safaris (020 8343 3283, www.okavango. com), for South Africa, Malawi, Kenya and Namibia.

Equine Adventures (0845 130 6981, www.equineadventures.co.uk) has a 10-day horse-riding holiday based at Triple B, a 20,000-acre working ranch set among the mountains of the Unesco Waterberg Biosphere Reserve, in South Africa’s Limpopo province, a nonmalarial area; prices start at £1,635pp, including flights, transfers, riding and most meals. In the Saddle (01299 272997, www.inthesaddle. com), recommends the excellent Ant’s Nest in South Africa as a prime family favourite. Seven nights there start at £1,435pp (£875 for children aged 2-11), including full-board accommodation and riding.

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