Okay, I admit it. I had never before been to Lake Como. For anyone with pretensions to European travel culture (and I have pretensions by the sackful), this was a desperate state of affairs.

Would you take seriously a motoring enthusiast who had never seen a Bentley? Or a wine buff who had never tasted claret? Quite. Como has this kind of status in the travel canon. Everyone with an ounce of discernment has stayed there and felt inspired – Liszt, Stendhal, Verdi, Shelley, Goethe, Dickens . . . Clooney.

These guys have been spot-on. In such a glorious slice of Creation, there’s nowhere you can look (except, occasionally, at the bill) that doesn’t make the spirits soar.

Serious mountains conspired to make room for a lake, the better to set off their glory.

The dramatic beauty, of course, issues a challenge, one that humanity has taken up over the centuries. Lakeside villages retain a tough bone structure, but also the stamp of generations of moneyed elegance.

Classical villas, and especially their gardens, recall slow-moving ladies with long frocks and parasols. The grander hotels really require a duke or two. As this past permeates the present, it unarguably adds grace to natural grandeur. We kick off in Bergamo, as it’s the handiest airport and the city, though not on the lake, is a cracking distillation of northern Italy’s best.

FIRST EVENING

Bergamo is venerable and hard-working – its heroes are a pope, a mad composer and a chap with three testicles. There’s not a moment to lose. First, check in at the Hotel Excelsior San Marco (Piazza Republica 6; 00 39-035 366111, www.hotelsanmarco. com ; doubles from £110).

Bergamo, you will notice, is a city of two halves. The upper city is livelier by night, so hop on the funicular to the squeeze of cobbled streets, startling churches and vintage commerce. Centrepiece is Piazza Vecchia, a clash of monumental styles that only Italians can bring off. If feeling flush, dine here at Colleoni & dell’Angelo (035 232596, www.colleonidellangelo.com ; mains from £18). Otherwise, try the Trattoria da Ornella (Via Gombito 15; 035 232736; mains from £8). Then explore the old-town warren and its bars. Back at the hotel, resist the Italian riesling in the bedroom minibar. It’s toxic.

DAY TWO

Devote your morning to Bergamo. The lower town is broader and more stately (see Piazza Matteotti and Viale Papa Giovanni, named after Pope John XXIII, a local), but it can still get lively in the Sant’Alessandro district.

Now return to Piazza Vecchia, and the nearby Basilica of Santa Maria Maggiore. A sober exterior gives way, inside, to a whirlwind of baroque – tapestries, frescoes, vaulting stucco – that leaves you clinging to a pew. Successive decorators were clearly convinced that the Almighty listened only if bellowed at in Technicolor. Next door, the Cappella Colleoni is a megalomaniac mausoleum to a much-admired 15th-century military man. Note the three orbs on the shiny heraldic device on the outer gate. They celebrate the three testicles that, allegedly, explained Colleoni’s extreme manliness. Bergamo’s men have long rubbed the device, seeking extra virility themselves.

If you’re an opera fan, pop round the corner to Via Arena and the Donizetti museum, dedicated to the prolific composer. He died here, syphilitic and insane, in 1848. Otherwise, honour him by lunching at the Pasticceria Donizetti (Via Gombito 17; salads from £7) before heading off for Como itself.

The lake is an upturned Y. At the bottom of its eastern leg, pass briskly through Lecco and onto the road to Bellagio. Well, I say “road”. Only a profoundly disturbed person could have conceived of putting two-way traffic on what is a donkey track perched between mountain and water’s edge. His madder brother then added buses.

Soon, you’re dropping into Bellagio, at the lake’s crotch. This affords one of the loveliest prospects I have seen. Smudges of villages appear to have been shaken down to the banks, until you spot others absurdly high on the hillsides. The sky is vast, the boats are sedate and straight. The changing light assures the show is never the same twice.

And, in the foreground, Bellagio steps down its headland to the shore, old-world glamour draped over its hard centre like a shawl. Nowhere more so than the Grand Hotel Villa Serbelloni (Via Roma 1; 031 950216, www.villaserbelloni.com ; doubles from £254). This is the kind of place that US billionaires copy, salon for salon, chandelier for chandelier, in the Arizona desert. Stroll the huge grounds, enjoy the arresting lake views, appreciate the lounges, the loungers and the dinner-time string quartet.

Then explore Bellagio. Given the village’s celebrity (Las Vegas has a Bellagio hotel), its centre is surprisingly tiny, a nutshell of narrow streets, nice old churches, steep stairways and stores – be warned, though, you might find £320 for a 6ft Pinocchio ambitious.

You’ll end up down by the lakeside, on the terrace of the Hotel du Lac, underneath the arcade. Order a glass of wine, stare into a loved one’s eyes and wish you could remember something (anything) that Shelley wrote when he passed this way.

DAY THREE

A slightly complex day, but stick with me. First, take the car ferry to Cadenabbia. Then drive the lakeside road just south to Tremezzo, and the 17th-century Villa Carlotta. This is one of three villas you should see on the trip.

Foursquare, at once light and solid, and trimmed with terraces, stairways and fountains, Carlotta is show-off grace itself. Stendhal wrote The Charterhouse of Parma here. Canova left sculptures. The gardens are tailored endlessly across the hillside, segueing finally into the tree-clad wildness beyond. And the greenhouse snack bar does a salad lunch for £4.60.

Now return the way you came, through Cadenabbia to Menaggio. Park and go by ferry, on foot this time, across to Varenna. Wander the lake-edge walkway, then head up to Villa Monastero. The villa itself is open for about 15 seconds a day, but the gardens, a lovely swathe of classicism, are easier to access. The loggias frame the lake perfectly.

Take the ferry back to Menaggio and check in at the Grand Hotel Menaggio (Via IV Novembre 69; 034 430640, www.grandhotelmenaggio. com ; doubles from £123). This is not as grand as the Serbelloni, but grand enough, more friendly and with a decent restaurant.

Afterwards, retire to the garden terrace. There was a bloke there I had to look at several times, to ensure he wasn’t Salman Rushdie. If there’s anything more romantic than to sit with a cognac, a wife, light reflecting on the water and mountains attenuated by being sensed rather than seen, it is to do so without fear of Salman Rushdie being in the environs.

DAY FOUR

Down the western side of Como’s left leg. This is essentially more of the same – but, when the same is as stupendous as this, it can go on for as long as it likes.

Stop at Lenno for the 20-minute walk out along the wooded promontory to Villa del Balbianello. It stands statuesque on the headland, as if about to declaim classical verse. James Bond recovered here in the recent Casino Royale movie, though this is, obviously, mentioned nowhere.

Continue to Laglio, where George Clooney has his villa, before bobbing into Cernobbio for lunch. Try the mega-famous Villa d’Este hotel if you’ve recently cashed stock options; the Osteria del Beuc, on Via Felice Cavallotti, if you haven’t. And so back to base. The rest of the world will look a little unsatisfactory for some time to come.

Getting there: fly to Bergamo with Ryanair (0871 246 0000, www.ryanair.com) or Jet2 (0871 226 1737, www.jet2.com). Hertz has car hire for the trip’s duration from £56 if booked though www.ryanair.com. Or try www.carrentals.co.uk.

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