MISSION All women want to be taken, preferably by a muscly-thighed Adonis. But most of us are just taken for granted. Which is why hotel spas are not an indulgence, they’re a necessity. And, let’s face it, much cheaper than divorce. This is also why hotels take their spas very, very seriously.

Ayurvedic organic, holistic, hydro, herbal, detoxifying... they all want to exfoliate your wallet. It’s spa wars out there. Hotel brochures promise that their treatments will be a “journey of self discovery”. Or will it just be a journey back and forth to the cash machine?

USP To be as svelte as the goddess I met in the waiting room of the spa at the Oriental, Bangkok, who was bragging loudly about her supple body. Although, I wonder exactly how many years of Ayurvedic yoga you have to do to be able to kiss your own ass like that?

AMBIENCE A jaunty dash by private ferry boat over the bustling Chao Phraya River and I arrived at the antique Thai house that is the legendary Oriental spa. I was dubious about the scheduled yoga and meditation class. Did this mean I’d have to work on my inner child as well as my inner thighs?

EXPERIENCE Not only was the yoga class sublimely relaxing, but the gentle ministrations of two Ayurvedic therapists sent me into a coma of satisfaction. I was so profoundly relaxed that the therapists thought I had gone into a vegetative state and called the paramedics.

The essence of Ayurvedic remedies is to create a harmonic existence of mind and body. Now, I’ve tried listening to my body, but we’re not exactly on speaking terms. “If it does get back to me, I’ll let you know, OK?” I informed the therapist, who was already pouring warm oil into the centre of my forehead.

But when she started rhythmically massaging the fragrant unguents into my scalp, my body started purring. And when I was later steamed, then washed by handmaidens, in warm, flower-scented water, I felt like Cleopatra being prepared for her wedding night. I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t carried from the spa on a sedan by slaves. My body was speaking to me now loud and clear, and what it was saying was: if you leave the Oriental hotel, I will kill you.

FOOD The Oriental is the ultimate in luxury. I left my sumptuous Noël Coward suite, complete with personal butler, to dine in Lord Jim’s, one of the ten restaurants on site. Gazing out over Bangkok’s temples, I savoured the most mouth-wateringly moist sea bass baked in rock salt crust. The fish was accompanied by five exotic condiments, which I’d like to tell you more about, only a good journalist should never reveal her sauces.

WALLET WATCH Um, reality cheque (see below). You don’t watch your wallet when indulging in a world-class hotel experience. It takes the fun right out of it. They say that money doesn’t buy happiness, but I kinda like the misery that money buys, don’t you?

NEED TO KNOW Starting rates at the Oriental, for a superior room, are $390 (£190). For details, and for spa rates, visit www.mandarinoriental.com/hotel. Return flights with Thai Airways from London to Bangkok, including taxes, cost from £2,045.20 (business class). Contact Thai Airways reservations on 0870 6060911, or visit the website at www.thaiairways.co.uk .

For more than 210 independent spa reviews log on to timesonline.co.uk/goodspaguide

Times recommends

• New York's top 10 new hotels
• A Scottish monastery retreat
• Welcome back to Rwanda