USP Grand and discreet. Petrified goddesses watch guests do lengths or bob about in the whirlpool area at one end of the pool. Hartwell House is where Bill Clinton and the Emperor of Japan have visited. No one will say whether or not they used the spa but, if they didn’t, they missed out. Their Men’s Days have legendary restorative powers. The gym is small and packed with all the latest kit and the place is deliciously uncrowded.

AMBIENCE English and understated. This is a world away from spas where plasma screens, fitness monitors, bizarre lighting schemes, blaring music and other irritants offset any relaxation you might achieve in the treatment rooms. Hartwell House Spa is well maintained and clean. Nanny would have approved. Guests are looked after by the staff rather than made to feel that they have to compete.

QUALITY OF EXPERIENCE Soothing and far more effective than I had imagined. I had a Clarins pro-active facial against my better judgement because I have had issues with Clarins cosmetics in the past. My consultant, Amy, was friendly and down to earth and talked me through the facial as she pummelled and rubbed. I had to choose one of two scents she wafted under my nose. Then I had to choose whether to be energised or relaxed. With a Hartwell House dinner on the horizon I opted for energisation and so the ritual began:

"Cross arms motion with a pro-active blaster treatment to the adepoise tissue at the base of the jaw with dynamic circular motions around the sprocket retainer bolt…" her mesmerising vioce, backed by gentle music, lulled me in and out of sleep.

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My skin felt soft by the end of Amy’s ministrations. I have yet to have a facial that makes any difference beyond the first few hours when my newly-scrubbed skin has a charming glow (one that I can achieve with a loofah thing my father gave me in the hope that I might ever find another husband).

However, the morning after, I noticed that the irritiating little bumps on my skin (the doctor says there is nothing to be done with them – they are the result of an oily skin and I should be grateful for that) had been reduced. No one else notices the bumps and so no one else noticed their reduction. But I did, and do, and felt pleased.

IN CROWD Well-heeled English, Americans, Japanese and anyone else in the know. It is open to locals but rarely crowded. Like Hartwell House itself the spa offers the best without making a song and dance about it.

FOOD The Buttery, housed within the spa, is open for breakfast, lunch and tea. The food is remarkably hearty with lamb cobbler (£9) and bubble and squeak with turkey (£9) on offer alongside more virtuous dishes like warm salads. The warm chocolate fudge cake and treacle tart (both at £4.50) can be washed down with house Champagne at £11.50 a glass.

WALLET WATCH The pro-active facial I enjoyed (more than I’d expected) costs £70. A Restorative Mud Envelopment costs the same whereas the Life Saving Back Treatment (what tired exec or Emperor could resist?) costs £55. A day package to include full-body massage, facial, manicure and full make up with a two-course lunch and access to all spa facilities costs £180 - £190. A Hartwell Spa Break staying at the hotel with a treatment, dinner, bed, breakfast, half a bottle of Champagne and a VIP shopping voucher to Bicester Village costs £265-£685 per person based on two people sharing and including service and VAT

NEED TO KNOW Hartwell House Spa, Oxford Road nr Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire HP17 8NR (01296 747444; www.hartwell-house.com)

Helicopters welcome with prior permission. No wheechair access to The Buttery. The spa is 100 metres from the hotel and those who prefer not to walk will be driven. On the other hand the short walk is through one of England’s great historic landscapes – a healthy treat for those who can manage.

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