USP “In medieval times, life at Dalhousie Castle would have been anything but stress free, but now all that has changed with the introduction of what was Scotland's very first hydro spa.” Or so says the website for the Aqueous, a pool-centric spa abutting the majestic crenulated towers of a 13th-century fortress on the bank of the river Esk.

AMBIENCE In reality, the “hydro spa” that Dalhousie Castle hails as an innovation unparalleled in Scotland is not much more than a giant whirlpool bath, fitted with strategically placed water spouts and beds of jets aimed at hitting key stress points.

Three people can splay out in the pretty blue-tiled pool; at around 30C, it’s essentially a hot tub without the heat. The spa’s other points of (unwarranted) pride are its Kneipp foot baths that turn out to be tubs filled with pebbles.

More interesting is the “snail shower” – a curlicue alcove with a spigot that transforms falling water into different types of rain: turn the dial to “fresh” for a chill mist or get doused by plunking fat droplets on “tropical”.

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BACKGROUND

• Amberspa, Loch Lomond

• The Carrick Spa, Cameron House, Loch Lomond

• Westin Turnberry Resort Spa, Ayrshire, Scotland

• Auchrannie Spa Resort, Isle of Arran

• The Balmoral Spa, The Balmoral, Edinburgh

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The spa’s overall vibe is confused. Seemingly it is predicated on a Roman bathhouse: you take post-spa tea in the “tepedarium”, disrobe in either the Rex or Regina room (depending on your gender) and can admire (or cringe at) the naff reproductions of carved Roman friezes dotting the walls.

But then there’s a Turkish Rasul mudbath, and in the treatment rooms stained glass windows feature the Urdu symbols of the seven chakras. It’s an odd choice as there is only one vaguely Indian treatment on the menu.

EXPERIENCE Given that the castle is in rural Scotland, I decided a vegetable-based “Nutritional Wrap” treatment featuring “pumpkin cells, tomato, artichoke and beetroot extracts” would put me in harmony with my agricultural surroundings.

I was disappointed to find that instead of the mortar-and-pestle-ground salad I had envisioned, I was slathered in some fairly run-of-the-mill serums and lotions. My practitioner applied these rather perfunctorily, exposing half my body at a time to the chill air as she briskly rubbed in creams.

My wrap left half of me uncovered by a too-small plastic sheet, and the therapist vacated the room at certain points without indicating where she’d gone or how I was to get her back. It was not a relaxing experience, made less so when I sat up to see my clothes unceremoniously strewn on the floor as there was apparently no place else to put them.

Post treatment I recovered on a recliner in the glassed-in tepedarium, a portico that overlooks the castles rolling grounds. There I watched guests taking falconry lessons with a contingent of the castle’s gorgeous flock of raptors.

FOOD Spa goers dine in the Orangery, the castle’s contemporarily designed eatery. There’s classic Scottish bites like haggis with bashed neeps and champit tatties (£6.40) and spa perennials like tuna Nicoise (£12.10).

But the modern lighting fixtures and ambient Radio 1 seem like a waste of good castle. Far better would be a medieval meal in the dramatically lamp-lit Dungeon Restaurant, flanked by coats of armour. Too bad it’s only open for dinner, well after the spa shutters its doors.

IN CROWD Farmers wives enjoying a day off from tending the herd, couples enjoying an enchanted castle stay.

WALLET WATCH Wraps and skin treatments run from £50 to £65, use of the hydro spa’s facilities is complimentary for all hotel guests and those receiving spa treatments. Packages are a star buy here, consisting of four treatments for £180.

NEED TO KNOW Dalhousie Castle, Hotel and Aqueous Spa, Bonnyrigg, Edinburgh EH19 3JB (01875 820153;
www.dalhousiecastle.co.uk)

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