The mission A desperate last attempt to achieve sleep, relaxation, or an uninterrupted breakfast while eight-and-a-half months pregnant with baby No 2.

USP Don't mention the “E” word. The family-run business has colonised Dedham, a small village ten minutes from Colchester, and through sheer force of will seems to have relocated it to the Cotswolds. But there are still touches of Essex bling; everything is oversized (mirrors, beds, baths, portions).

Ambience Think of hedonism, not health farm. This small spa in a 12-bedroom country house hotel is more about damage limitation from the night (or years) before rather than spartan self-improvement. You are encouraged to have a four-course cream tea in the garden between treatments with not a carrot baton in sight.

The new heated outdoor pool seems designed for lounging around, not swimming in. The most exercise I got was getting in a spot of bother in the deep whirlpool bath in my huge marble bathroom. You won't lose weight, but you may stop caring.

BACKGROUND

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Quality of experience This is a cosy outfit, not a slick spa operation, and there are a few glitches to be ironed out (there were no sofas to sit on to wait for a treatment and the shower wasn't quite hot). But what it lacks in corporate uniformity it makes up for in a staff dogged in their determination that you enjoy yourself.

I was sceptical at first of Yummy Mummy, my pregnancy treatment, perhaps best described as a facial for your tummy. Your bulge is cleansed, toned and moisturised before a mask is smoothed on in an attempt to soothe the stresses and strains that pregnancy puts on your belly.

After more than eight months of fending off unwanted hands on my bump, was I going to allow a stranger to do all this? I gave in, and although it was weird to have her massage the baby through my skin, in the end it was not at all unpleasant. Even the unborn are pampered here.

Products A long list of Dermalogica treatments, as well as Jessica treatments for nails.

Food Most of the hotel guests are foodies, driven by courtesy car (no point burning off any calories) to Le Talbooth, the seriously gourmet restaurant a few hundred yards down the road on the banks of the Stour. It's owned by the hoteliers, as are three other less formal but good restaurants dotted near by. If you're still peckish, there's also a full modern bistro-style menu at the hotel, although I thought the £5 surcharge to have breakfast in your room uncharacteristically mean.

In-crowd The cool set mixes with older American tourists. You could have a perfectly indulgent few days here on your own, but you would enjoy it more with friends. The hotel is also often used for house parties and weddings, and there are honeymoon suites with private outdoor spa pools. But be aware: don't wear anything with a constricting waistband.

Wallet watch From £150 for a single room; £350 for top suites, bed and breakfast. A one-hour massage costs £50, a 70-minute facial £65.

Need to know Maison Talbooth, Colchester. Phone 01206 322367; www.milsomhotels.com

Spa rating £££££

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