It’s so tough being a modern bloke. According to the people at Nickel’s new male-only London spa, “Successful men today not only need to perform at work, on the sports field and in the bedroom, but also need to look their best while doing it.”

Now I’m a lights-out kind of guy, especially on the sports field and in the office, but maybe I could change all that with the aid of Nickel’s special Love Handle Wrap treatment. Not that I’m fat. But I could be… tauter.

The Covent Garden spa is the latest stage in the French brand’s bid for world geezer-primping domination, following Paris, New York and San Francisco. It offers a pit-stop approach to grooming – in, buffed, out – like the SAS of self-indulgence. “This is about maintenance, not girlie pampering,” they’re quick to stress.

It’s a smartly unpretentious place just off the trend-central Seven Dials in London’s theatreland, offering facials, massage, waxing, manicure, pedicure and Botox. The instant impression is of clean, calm, fresh, male-friendly functionality, rather than frightening fluffy towels.

Neilee, my South African therapeuse, says that the gel she’s rubbing in to my midriff will convince my waistline’s fat cells that they are overloaded with gunk, so they get fooled into slimming down. Scientifically critiqueing cosmetic product claims is like shooting ducks in a bucket, so I let that one pass.

Anyway, I learn from the Parisian product’s label that the French for love handles is poignees d’amour. I can almost hear Charles Aznavour singing those very words as I drift off into the woozy land of relaxation, while Neilee rubs and smoothes the warm gunk all around my-midsection. The reverie soon gets shaken when she breaks into pinchy, slappy Swedish massage on my back, sides and belly, then wraps me in plastic film and warm towels.

The gel-induced doze resumes as she starts an express facial, to make best use of the time while my gut’s basting in Clingfilm. Express? It’s 30 min, just about perfect for me. And does any bloke really need more than cleansing, exfoliation and masque? Then she throws in a wonderful hand massage to soothe my keyboard-ravaged fingers.

Men are easier clients, says Neilee. They relax quicker, have fewer issues and are less demanding. I reckon that’s because they are too petrified of being accused of misbehaviour to do anything other than lie there co-operatively and make light small talk. And men’s massages are getting more popular, she says, but nowhere near as in-demand as male waxing: “That’s basically all we do on Saturdays.”

So is my midriff now firmer, more six-pack than sad-sack? Hard to say exactly. It’s summer, so I’m playing tennis, swimming in the sea and generally being trimmer anyhow. But boy did I feel good – relaxed, joyful and issue-free – as I sauntered out of Nickel’s doors. And that – whatever the snazzy claims of any spa treatment – is as much as you can ever really wish for from a skilled massage.

In brief

USP Claims to be London's first new-generation men-only spa.

AMBIENCE It’s a smartly unpretentious place just off the trend-central Seven Dials in London’s theatreland. The instant impression is of clean, calm, fresh, male-friendly functionality, rather than frightening fluffy towels.

EXPERIENCE Neilee the therapist rubs and smoothes warm gel all around my-midsection. My reverie is soon shaken when she breaks into pinchy, slappy Swedish massage on my back, sides and belly, then wraps me in plastic film and warm towels. An express 30 minutes is just enough; then she throws in a wonderful hand massage to soothe my keyboard-ravaged fingers.

FOOD There is none.

IN CROWD Not London celebs yet – but fans at the Paris Nickel are John Malkovich and Jean Paul Gaultier

WALLET WATCH Love handle wrap: 60 min, £55 Express facial: 30 min, £29.

NEED TO KNOW Nickel, 27 Short Gardens, London WC 2H (0207 240 4048; www.nickelspalondon.co.uk)

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