USP The Cinq Mondes spa sits beneath the immaculate gardens of the five-star Beau-Rivage Palace Hotel by the shore of Lake Geneva in Lausanne. The hotel, built in 1861, hosted the famously choosy Coco Chanel - even she would love the spa. Cinq Mondes follows five guidelines: no silicone, mineral oils, artificial colourings or 'primary animal matter' is used and everything is dermatologically tested. It shamelessly and convincingly plunders and repackages Cinq Mondes' famous French spa - Rituels de Beaute du Monde. Open nearly two years now, there are only a handful of Cinq Mondes spas in the world, adding to the exclusivity. It's back to basics in extremely luxurious but contemporary surroundings.

AMBIENCE The recently renovated hotel is fussy and grand like a big wedding cake. In total contrast the spa offers acres of streamlined, minimalist calm. There are only nine treatment rooms in the whole place so it's spacious. I experienced all three components of my Rituel Royal Du Siam in one suite - no waiting around. The floors are dark wood and walls are polished plaster. Even the muzack is minimal - no pan-pipes! Glass walls give views of the pool which stretches outdoors. This view becomes a vista as the Alps soar across the Lake. Pause in the changing rooms to experience the hot and cold pleasures of the Tropical Rainshower Walk. Bespectacled spa-goers should beware the glass walls.

QUALITY OF EXPERIENCE I had the Rituel Royal du Siam. There was nothing Siamese about a Japanese Aroma and Flowers Bath, Papaya Radiance Scrub and Balinese Massage. Walid, a strong, silent Tunisian, used around two to do all three treatments. The Japanese bath was not restful as I had to perform origami to squeeze my 6 foot 3 inch body into it. Getting out, Walid ignored my hideous disposable pants and led me to a heated couch for twenty minutes of scrubbing. Never have I felt so clean. After a quick shower it was massage time. Using elbows and forearms as well as hands, Walid became a Vishnu-like multi-armed god. Flipping me like a burger he continued stretching and pulling. The supposedly Egyptian oils were musky and warming. It was like a Thai massage without clothes. Pouring myself into my robe, I staggered into the changing rooms.

IN CROWD Swiss discretion rules - Naomi Campbell could sashay in and no one would notice. The hotel hosts visiting Presidents and Prime Ministers (the Treaty of Lausanne was signed here in 1923). Recent politicos have included Nelson Mandela. There is usually at least one star here flogging Swiss watches (notably Cindy Crawford). There are lots of rich, anonymous ladies of leisure - some sporting the giant sunglasses which scream 'I've just had plastic surgery!" Men and women alike seem to have a tiny lapdog as part of their luggage. It's more European than American. Spa goers are surprisingly mixed - around a third are men. The saunas are not mixed (and most men went naked). If you're under 30 you might be mistaken for a member of staff. The hotel is child-friendly but the spa was pleasingly child-free.

FOOD Lausanne and locale offer up a galaxy of Michelin starred restaurants. The lavish La Rotonde links both wings of the hotel. It was recently awarded its star for the delicacy of its langoustines. The five-course Chef Menu is £41 (CHF 98) and features foie gras. The wine cellar has 75,000 bottles so go steady. Service is formal and you need jacket and tie. Downstairs, Café Beau-Rivage is more casual and there's usually someone singing to the tinkling on the grand piano. In the summer a 'healthy grill' pops up by the outdoor pool (it's open to hotel residents only). If you can drag yourself out of the hotel L'Accademia Italian restaurant is round the corner at the Hôtel Angleterre & Résidence. No trip to Switzerland is complete without fondue and there's no shortage of it. Just don't fill up on bread and cheese before a massage.

WALLET WATCH Surprisingly, the spa is affordable even for those lacking Swiss bank accounts. The cheapest treatments are approx £32 (CHF 75). These last for 20 minutes and examples include an Aromatic Scrub with Spices, a Regenerating Body Wrap and Reflexology. All are included in the five-day package along with a further three massages (including Balinese) and assorted cosmetics treatments. Price is £500 (CHF 1180), not including accommodation. The cheapest two-day package is £210 (CHF 495). The hotel's cheapest rooms start at £220 per double and they're still pretty luxurious.

You can use the spa without staying at the hotel and can get treatments as late as 9pm for no extra charge. It's okay to walk around the hotel in your dressing gown but few people do. As ever, the robes are too small for most men and the paper pants worn during treatments are an exercise in self-castration. Switzerland is in Europe but not the Euro so take some Swiss Francs (CHF). Advertised room rates are negotiable. Ask for a lake view.

From Genèva International Airport: 35 minutes by car or 40 minutes by train.

NEED TO KNOW Beau-Rivage Palace, Place du Port 17-19, CH-1000 Lausanne (+41 21 613 33 33; www.brp.ch)

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