The common cruise ship ailments and annoyances and how to avoid them:
Mal de mer: modern ships are fitted with efficient
stabilisers that mitigate the effect of moderate chop. But if seasickness is
a big worry for you, opt for a bigger (so less rocky) vessel, and for a
cabin amidships rather than in the stem or stern. It also helps to avoid
cruises with several straight days at sea. Remember to pack pills and
pressure-point wristbands, and take comfort from the fact that the ship’s
doc will be on hand if you start turning sea-green.
Norovirus/Norwalk-like virus: definitely not what you want
from a cruise. The virus spreads fast, is highly contagious and will strike
simultaneously at both ends. There have been some high-profile outbreaks
recently, but the virus is relatively rare and lasts no more than five days.
There is little you can do to prevent it, other than thorough hygiene and
furious handwashing.
The Tannoy: often beloved of cruise directors, who believe
passenger enjoyment directly correlates with the number of times they wish
everyone a fabulous day on the best boat afloat. Trips vary greatly on this,
and it’s hard to predict the degree of noise pollution you can expect,
though passengers on smaller, more expensive ships tend to get off lighter
than those on the whoppers.
Dinner bores: they can be crashing, and the peril is that
you’ll have to endure them day after day, meal after meal. But the solution
is simple. Just avoid ships with set meal times, shared tables and assigned
seating.
Supplements: some cruises barely break even, especially ones
that have been heavily discounted — so they make their profit by holding
their passengers upside down and shaking all their money into a large net.
To keep a hold on spending, you will need to show restraint at the bars,
where drinks are not only expensive but often carry a 15 per cent service
charge. Other cash cows include on-board casinos, shore excursions, the
ship’s photographer, the art auction and the spa — where the “essential”
product range is usually a particularly hard sell. You have tips to think
about, too (see below). Just be firm about all this and you won’t break your
bank. Finally, double-check that the price of the cruise includes all port
taxes.
Queues: this one is usually a case of the bigger the ship,
the longer the lines. If you’re on a behemoth, there’s really no way round
them: they start at check-in, continue at every port of call (especially
when you have to be tendered ashore rather than stepping down the gangplank)
and culminate on disembarkation.
The baked-alaska parade: a weekly cruise ritual. The lights
are dimmed in the dining room and the waiters file in with puddings stuck
with sparklers. Fun for first-timers and five-year-olds, but then, enough.
Food: the menus may be long and fancy but you should still
expect banquet-style catering. The better ships have a choice of
restaurants, some tied to celebrity chefs, such as Nobu Matsuhia (on board
Crystal Serenity) or Gary Rhodes (on P&O’s Arcadia). If you are a
foodie, that’s where you should be dining — although you’ll often pay a
supplement for it.
Quoits: deck entertainment has come a long way. Chances are
that the current trend towards climbing walls, golf simulators, treadmills
and surfing pools will have you craving a nice old-fashioned round of quoits
or shuffleboard in no time.
Crowded ports: try to avoid itineraries that feature
superpopular cruise stops, such as Nassau and St Thomas, which can have
several large ships in port at once. On rivers, especially the Nile, you
often get ships stacked side by side; rather than a view of the water,
you’ve got your neighbour’s cabin for company. Check with the company when
you’re booking about the likely mooring arrangements.
What about tipping the ship's staff?
There are great cruise bargains to be had just now, but don’t forget that the
vast majority of cruises involve one big, hidden cost that is never
discounted — the tips.
How much do they add? The current industry norm is about $10
a day, to cover your cabin steward, waiter, assistant waiter and possibly
head waiter. On a 14-night cruise, that’s about £75 per person — so you need
to add at least £150 to your budget for two. And children aren’t exempt,
although some lines, such as P&O, reduce the “suggested” rates for
under-12s.
Unlike the Americans, of course, we Brits hate the whole business of
gratuities. Even Douglas Ward, the doyen of cruise critics and author of the Berlitz
Complete Guide to Cruising and Cruise Ships, calls the whole tipping
topic “awkward and embarrassing”.
These days, most of the big companies, such as Royal Caribbean and Carnival,
have a system where you can opt to have tips automatically added to your
on-board account. This is settled at the end of the cruise, when totals can
be adjusted according to how you felt about the service during the voyage.
If you squirm at the thought of handing out envelopes of cash, choose a ship
where there is a definite ban on gratuities (those run by Seabourn,
Silversea and Windstar, for example). As you might expect, however, those
vessels cost top dollar to begin with.
Otherwise, avoid nasty surprises by logging on to the excellent “cruise tip
calculator” at www.cruisetip.tpkeller.com. You simply enter the name of the
cruise line, the number of passengers and the length of your cruise, and it
estimates the tips total you should budget for.
Pick your cabin
Unlike with hotel rooms, you get to choose not only the category of your
cabin, but also the precise one you fancy — straight from the deck plans in
the cruise line’s brochure or on the website.
Prices vary, of course, and not just according to size. On P&O’s Oriana,
for example, there is a choice of 24 different categories; and on its 2007
pre-Christmas “Canaries Cocktail” cruise, prices range from £1,759 (£969 for
early bookings) for the least expensive twin to £4,949 (£2,719 for early
bookings) for a top suite with balcony and bath.
Outside cabins — or “staterooms”, as the posher vessels now like to call them
— are far more appealing than those inside, which, of course, don’t have a
view. But make sure you get a proper window rather than a dinner-plate
porthole, and that it looks out on the sparkling ocean rather than a great
fat lifeboat. You should also avoid a cabin that looks onto a promenade
deck; even with reflective glass, you’ll never open the curtains without
feeling you’re on stage at the Folies. And if you’re cruising along a
coastline, remember to pick the side with views of land.
As a rule, the higher the deck, the better the cabin. On the lower decks,
avoid cabins in the bows, which can be disturbed by anchor chains and bow
thrusters; and those in the stern within throb-range of propellers. The
ship’s extremities are also more prone to motion in a choppy sea; while
cabins located near lifts, theatres, galleys, discos and other noisy places
may result in rough nights for other reasons.
Our advice? You’re unlikely to spend much time in your
sleeping compartment anyhow, so opt for the least-expensive cabin with a
window on a top ship rather than a fancy cabin on an inferior one. Apart
from on the Cunard Queens, with their two-class structure, all passengers
get equal access to all the ships’ amenities.
Who's floating on your boat?
In a hotel, guests are constantly checking in and checking out. On a cruise,
you spend many hours with the same set of people in a relatively small,
self-contained floating world. So how do you make sure you’re going to get
along with them, short of chartering the entire vessel?
Americans tend to dominate the world of cruising, especially on ships that
sail from American ports. If you prefer the company of Brits, pick one that
sails from Blighty. P&O Cruises, for example, not only cruises from
Southampton, but maintains a distinctly traditional (some might say
colonial) atmosphere. Its newest vessels, such as Arcadia and Artemis, were
specifically designed for the UK market, with teak promenade decks,
libraries with proper librarians, pubs and lounges for afternoon tea.
Other vessels with a distinctly British stamp — and therefore to be booked or
given a wide berth, according to your idea of perfect companionship — are
the Marco Polo and both the Hebridean ships, Spirit and Princess.
If you prefer a richer blend of foreigners, consider the Italian Costa line,
the Asian-based Star Cruises or the Australian ship Orion. At the top end of
the market, you’ll find a more cosmopolitan crowd on a Silversea cruise than
on a Seabourn.
The choice of destination is also a good clue to the passenger mix. Caribbean
cruises are all about having a good time, flavoured with rum and basted in
suncream.
Those to Alaska, Antarctica and the Galapagos, on the other hand, appeal to
those who’d rather clutch a pair of binoculars than a Bacardi. Similarly,
any ship that makes a point of having lecturers among the crew, and offers a
full schedule of serious sightseeing, will never appeal to the rock-on-Tommy
brigade.
