Heard the one about the gendarme who stops the British holiday­maker on the Autoroute du Sud? “Your brake light ees broken, m’sieu,” says the gendarme. The motorist stares at the rear of his car, then bursts into tears. “Never mind the brake light,” he wails, “where’s my caravan?”

The creation of a European Union has done little to streamline driving on the Continent. Borders may be open, but each country adheres to its own rules of the road, with varied speed limits, disparate lists of compulsory kit and wide-ranging pitfalls for the unwary driver.

In Moscow, it is illegal to drive a dirty car. In Germany, running out of petrol on the autobahn is against the law, and in France, scarily, vehicles joining the autoroute have priority.

If you’re taking the car across the Channel this summer, here’s our comprehensive guide to continental motoring. It could save you hundreds of euros in on-the-spot fines, although the caravan is your problem.

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In all EU countries, you should carry both parts of your driving licence and an insurance certificate detailing your level of cover. Your headlights should be modified to prevent your dipped beams dazzling oncoming drivers, and you will need a GB sticker — minimum size 175 x 115mm — unless your numberplate bears the EU logo.

Key: RJ = reflective jacket; WT = warning triangle; FX = fire extinguisher; FA = first-aid kit; SB = spare bulb kit; SPX = spare pair of glasses

France (RJ, WT)

Not carrying the triangle and jacket, or failing to use your hazard lights when stopped on the roadside, will earn you an instant €90 (£79) fine, and allowing children under 10 to travel in the front seat will cost you €135 (£118).

France has dry- and wet-weather speed limits. In dry conditions, the maximum permitted speed is 50kph (31mph) in town and 90kph (55mph) in the country. On dual carriageways and non-toll motorways, the limit is 110kph (68mph), rising to 130kph (80mph) on toll roads — these reduce by about 10% in wet weather.

Unbelievably, the official speed limit on the Paris Périphérique is just 80kph (49mph), and you break the limit at your peril: French police now collect on-the-spot fines ranging from €68 (£59) for those caught going less than 20kph (12mph) over the limit to €1,500 (£1,318) for those nicked at 50kph (31mph) over, and if you can’t pay — cash only, s’il vous plaît — they’ll hold on to your car until you find the money.

If you are caught going more than 31mph over the limit, les flics could also confiscate your car. If you’re flashed by a speed camera, it’s unlikely you’ll have to pay the fine — the DVLA admits that cross-border co-operation “is still a long way off”.

And use the passing lane for overtaking only — few things rile French cops more than a rosbif cruising in the outside lane, and it could cost you €135 (£118).

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