Summer driving south through France is a simple matter rendered mind-freezingly complicated by French road maps. Be merciless. Ditch them.

Whether you are heading for the French, Spanish or Italian Med coasts, you don’t require such brain-clogging detail. All you really need are certain key towns and cities to aim at — et Robert est votre oncle.

So tape over the kids’ mouths, slip on a Mungo Jerry CD and follow these guides. We’re assuming a morning arrival in France — and one overnight break, in the interests of enhanced life expectancy.

Exchange rate is £1: €1.13. Times are nonstop.

Eastern route

Calais to Menton (for Provence, COte d’Azur and Italian Riviera)

Day 1: Calais to Vougeot (371 miles, tolls £38, 5hr 50min) From Eurotunnel or the ports, follow signs for the A26 Paris and Rheims. Relax. It’s laughably easy — and the only time we’ll mention road numbers. They drive me nuts and I assume you’re similar. Soon, you’re bowling through rolling farmland enlivened by the occasional slag heap. At Arras, ignore signs for Paris. Stay with Rheims, then straight past it with Lyons in your sights. Look out, on your right, for the Montagne de Reims. Those vines you see stitched into the hillsides are some of Champagne’s finest — but, yes, it is a little early to pull off for a glass.

Still following Lyons, whistle past Troyes and Dijon to more world-beating vineyards. From Dijon onwards, Burgundy’s best back up the little slopes of the Côte-d’Or — and now you’re going in among them for the night. Take exit 1 to Nuits-St-Georges and nip along a couple of miles to Vougeot, a vintage village of well-aged charms. Stop at the Hôtel de Vougeot (18 Rue du Vieux Château; 00 33-3 80 62 01 15, hotel-vougeot.com; doubles from £65), a small-scale, stone-built and terribly welcoming stopover. Dine down the road at the Clos de la Vouge (1 Rue du Moulin; 03 80 62 89 65, vougeot-hotel.com; menus from £20).

Day 2: Vougeot to Menton (418 miles, tolls £47, 6hr 50min) And so, via Beaune and Beaujolais, to Lyons. France’s second city can seriously foul up travel plans. If you’re attempting it on the first switchover weekend of August, give up and go to Poland. Two points, then: (a) try not to be there on any summer weekend; and (b) follow the first signs you see for Marseilles. These will swing you right round the city. It’s longer than going through the centre, but less vulnerable to jams. Should your final destination be the centre or east of the Italian Riviera (from Savona to Rapallo and beyond), this road also allows you to cut off to Chambéry, through the Alps and Fréjus tunnel to Turin, then south, direction Genoa.

For Provence, the Côte d’Azur and western bits of the Italian Riviera, stick with the Marseilles signs away from Lyons and down the Rhône Valley. Once directions for Nice show up, ditch Marseilles and follow them. They will sweep you past Aix-en-Provence and the great slab of the Montagne Sainte-Victoire, which so mesmerised Cézanne. The Maures mountains and the Esterel hills rise shortly, both covered in forest.

Look for signs to St Tropez, St Raphaël or Cannes — if you’re going to such places, of course. Otherwise, continue, then, nearing Nice, pick up signs for Monaco and Italy. These whisk you round the back of the city, through tunnels and a quickstep of tollbooths, and up the hill — from which you burst onto a coast spangled with glamour. For Menton, come off at exit 59, the last in France. San Remo is but 25 minutes further on. Wasn’t terribly hard, was it?

Times recommends

• The world's 10 weirdest things to eat
• Correspondents: hoteliers revenge for Tripadvisor
• A slow, ponderous journey up the Mekong