In a 21st-century costa resort there are no other nationalities, just other social classes, and always from the distant wrong end of the alphabetical scale. The teenage care assistants are holed up smoking pot in the wendy house, while outside Darwinian anarchy reigns: it’s Lord of the Sand-Flies. Hitting the deck under an incoming Fisher-Price barrage, you wonder what’s gone wrong with the world, before realising it’s just your fault for not being able to afford Club Med.

BEING FULL of Italians, Adriatic beaches are cursed with inadequate sanitation, petty crime and fag ends in every sand-castle quarry. They are also thronged with North Africans hawking counterfeit Louis Vuitton handbags, in a lugubrious manner guaranteed to elicit children’s sympathy. Yet, this hasn’t discouraged Italy from privatising swathes of coast to entrepreneurs, who charge sizeable fees for public access.

Nevertheless, I think no Mediterranean shore is better suited to host your FBH. I particularly like Arma di Taggia, just east of Sanremo, and Porto San Giorgio on the Adriatic, 90 miles south of Rimini. Both are Italian kiss-me-quick resorts, but in the nicest sense.

The continent’s finest coffee and ice cream mean that all important pan-generational food groups are present, and as every Italian celebrates turning 30 by trebling in size and sprouting back hair, there’s no risk of French-type body fascism.

Most crucially, Italians are kindred spirits when it comes to maximum-tolerance beach etiquette: they’re as loud as we are, and twice as indulgent of raucous juvenile behaviour. When your toddler upends a Frisbee full of wet gravel into their picnic risotto, expect retribution to consist of ruffled hair — most especially if that hair is blonde, and atop a girl.

Venice Lido beach is surely the most stuck-up in the land, yet the presence of a straw-haired toddler in our party atoned for a fierce Moore-bambini gelato battle, whose crossfire strafed a swathe of neighbouring Prada. With a blonde infant in tow, smitten beach functionaries will urge you to the front of the pedalo queue and have San Pellegrino ferried over to your lounger. If the youngest head in your family is too dark, male and old, it’s probably worth renting one. Who would have thought it? The perfect accessory for the best family beach holiday may be yet another child.

Italy’s family sands

The Classic: Lido di Jesolo

Golden sands, a water park and all the usual gelato joys — plus, a 40-minute ferry ride away, beautiful Venice, a car-free labyrinth that most kids adore. Hotel Diana (00 39 0421 380120, www.hoteldianajesolo.it), overlooking the beach, has parasols, sunbeds and family- friendly prices; a double room costs £44 a day, B&B, based on two sharing; under-2s free, 2-4s £7, 5-12s half-price. Fly to Venice with British Airways (0870 850 9850, www.ba.com).

The Natural: Sardinia

With the cleanest seas in Italy and pure sandy beaches, Sardinia is a no-brainer choice for families. For an old-fashioned seaside holiday, sidestep the all-inclusive resorts for Arzachena on the Costa Smeralda, with a granite coast to explore and a wealth of prehistoric marvels to clamber over. Mon Repos Hermitage (00 39 0789 99011, www.hotelmonrepos.it) has a garden, pool and path to the beach; a B&B double is £100 a day; children 2-12 half-price. Fly to Olbia with EasyJet (www.easyjet.com) or Meridiana (0845 355 5588, www.meridiana.it).

The Intimate: Gulf of Poets

The sheltered sand around Lerici is immersed in lovely scenery. Lerici also has a great museum of dinosaurs and earthquake simulations, while the Cinque Terre and Portovenere are a boat ride away. The Hotel Florida (00 39 0187 967332, www.hotelflorida.it) is a good beach base and offers triple rooms for £120, B&B. Fly to Pisa with EasyJet (www.easyjet.com) or Ryanair (0871 246 0000, www.ryanair.com).

The Hyper-Fun: Adriatic Riviera

Italy’s buzzing summer-holiday vortex. Broad sands and theme parks galore will keep even the pipsqueaks amused, while Rimini and Ravenna offer cultural antidotes. Base yourselves between the two, at the fishing town of Cesenatico, and its spruced-up Hotel Lungomare (00 39 0547 680666, www.hlungomare.com), smack on the beach, with a pool and plenty of activities; doubles £88 per day, full-board, based on two sharing; children free or discounted. Fly to Bologna Forli with Ryanair (0871 246 0000, www.ryanair.com).

Dana Facaros

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