Fancy an old-fashioned, hale and hearty outing in the prettiest patch of the Kentish Weald, with chugging old trains, enchanted forests, village cricket and cream teas? Thought you might. We begin in Tunbridge Wells and we’ll be heading out to the village of Groombridge. Here’s the timetable — wind your pocket watch and don’t be late.

10am Arrive at the Spa Valley Railway (01892 537715, spavalleyrailway.co.uk) in Tunbridge Wells. It’s 50 minutes until the first train — time to get in the anorakish mood. There’s a small museum, a yard full of partially restored carriages and a wondrous giant Hornby set.

10.50am The first train of the day is diesel, not steam, but the carriages are the same and it’s not worth waiting for the next one. You have too much to do. Sit in the beautiful 1950s buffet car and have a nice cup of tea. The return fare is £6, £3.50 for children and free for the under-3s. It takes 15 minutes, longer if you stay on at Groombridge while they swap the engine round.

11.05am We don’t want to be regimented about this, but you now have three choices. First and laziest, you might delight in the fact that you picked your day to coincide with a game of village cricket on the pitch by the station. Find a picnic spot under the trees and sozzle the day away to the thwack of leather on willow.

Second, a pub walk. The pub is about 10 minutes from the station, cutting down the side of the cricket pitch, then strolling over the front lawn of Groombridge Place (of which more in option three). The Crown Inn is a 16th-century smugglers’ tavern with proper pub grub, inglenooks and well-kept IPA. Ten minutes isn’t a long enough stroll to have earned that pint, though: plan a circular trek with views of the Medway valley using an OS map and the Crown’s own website (thecrowngroombridge.co.uk ).

Much-heralded option three is Groombridge Place (01892 861444, www.groombridge.co.uk; £8.95, children aged 3-12 £7.45, family ticket £29.95), of Keira-in-Pride-and-Prejudice fame. It’s an English manor house so perfect in its proportions, it’s hard not to turn all proletariat about the injustices of the world. Why should the landed gentry get to live there? Why can’t I? You can save by getting a joint Spa Valley Railway and Groombridge Place ticket (£12, children £10).

11.30am Once in the Place, catch the little boat to the Enchanted Forest (£1). From here, you stroll back to the main gardens through low-key, outdoorsy attractions (wicker dragons, tepees, giant swings and a fairly epic forest clamber-way). It takes about an hour. Finish in time for...

12.30pm The raptor centre at Groombridge is the largest refuge for birds of prey in the southeast. For those who don’t get to see bald eagles with 6ft wingspans in mouse-grabbing action every day, the demo is astonishing.

1pm Lunch. Bring a picnic, then wander around the gorgeous formal gardens. If you were in the pub, disregard this section. They’re only plants.

3.49pm Steam train back to Tunbridge Wells (or 5.22pm if you’re slow). Whichever, it is acceptable o’clock for an on-train bottle of Pullman’s Bitter. There will be time for the Pantiles district, with its frighteningly expensive boutiques and a 99 with a flake, if anyone deserves one.

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