Within a couple of hours of checking in I’d been handed my “timetable”… it’s not a word that sits comfortably with any holiday, especially if it includes a slot for aerobics and a “laughing session”.

But Sari was firm – her magic machine had shown that I needed to boost my fitness and relax, and a couple of stints of aerobics plus a half hour or so of chortling would do the trick.

Let me explain – I booked a four-night break at Al Nahda Resort and Spa, a holiday and health retreat in the Oman desert with pool, loungers, spa and fitness facilities galore.

The hotel is 40 minutes north of Muscat and 20 minutes inland. It occupies the site of a former mango farm and has been open since November 2006. Behind its high walls, seemingly unnecessary given Oman’s low crime rate, the site is an island of lush green lawns, palm trees, bougainvillea, fruit trees and water features – a stark contrast to the wild, rugged and dusty surrounds.

The resort has 109 one and two-bedroom villas and studio rooms, four restaurants, a bar, two tennis courts, a sand volleyball court, gym, yoga and meditation centre, steam tunnel (20-odd metre walkway through a fake rock) and outdoor pool.

There is a fair amount of fake rock in the resort, topped by tumbling waterfalls and the odd stone animal emerging from the undergrowth. It lends an air of Jurassic Park to the place, although the meditation centre was pure Indiana Jones. Reached by a curving stone staircase lit by fake flaming torches, inside it had a domed ceiling painted like a swirling galaxy - surprisingly relaxing alongside the haunting chants of our Indian yoga teacher.

The guests quietly zip about the car-free resort on golf carts or bicycles, left scattered about for the use of staff and guests. The protocol is bikinis and pina coladas – another disparity with life outside the hotel walls, where alcohol is not sold, women are rarely seen in the quiet towns near the resort and men sit in cafes dressed in the elegant long white dish-dash. Here the tipple is Omani coffee, deliciously flavoured with cardamon and rosewater.

Despite the contrast the resort does not sit uncomfortably with its surroundings. Unlike those walled fortresses in places like the Dominican Republic, guests staying at Al Nahda can safely take off in a car or taxi to explore the surrounding towns and countryside without any hassle from hawkers. The landscape around the hotel offers some spectacular hiking, although it’s advisable to respect the dress code of long sleeves and trousers so as not to cause offence.

Many, however do not leave the resort. Guests at Al Nahda can choose to lounge by the pool and read trashy novels, as most were doing during my stay, or masochists like me can sign up for a fitness and health consultation and a programme to remedy their ills.

The consultation starts with Sari, the spa manager and her colleague Savvy, who has a Dr prefix and therefore can’t be argued with when she diagnoses colonic irrigation on top of the aerobics and giggle session on day one. This wasn’t what I had in mind.

I told them my aim was to leave feeling cleansed and toned – quite an ask for four days. Undaunted, Savvy hooked me up to a series of machines to gauge my health status.

Within minutes my poor circulation, dodgy digestion and inadequate flexibility were correctly diagnosed – but joint pain and wheeziness in the chest were way off the mark. She also told me that lamb, gelatine, yoghurt and lemons were among the foods that were “allergic to me”, as she put it in pidgin English.

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