To say the least, cruises have always had a certain reputation. When I told people I was off to spend three days floating around the Bahamas, the responses said it all. The ship would be full of retired couples blowing their children’s inheritance on pina coladas. There would be a twinkly-eyed captain. There would be food sculpted into unusual shapes, and dubious “entertainment”.

Princess Cruises is the luxury liner company that the cheesy Eighties sitcom The Love Boat was based on: I was booked on the 3,000-passenger capacity Star Princess. Since a fire broke out on board in March 2006, the ship has had its work cut out rebuilding its reputation, although it has been refurbished in line with a Marine Accident Investigation Branch report.

A big draw for new passengers is the Lotus spa facilities. Catered for by Elemis and La Therapie, they offer you the chance to buff, polish and detox your way to bodily perfection. If basking on deck isn’t relaxing enough, you can be massaged into dribbling idiocy with aromatherapy rubs, salt scrubs and the very latest high-tech beauty treatments.

The rest of the cruising experience, though, hasn’t changed much from the Eighties. Going to dinner is like stepping into an episode of Dynasty: you make your way to your table through an obstacle course of shoulder pads.

Aside from a handful of Brits, the clientele is mainly elderly Americans who are enthusiastically embracing the potential of their expandable waistbands. Entertainment includes a "who can make the biggest splash" belly-flop competition and a leather-trousered hypnotist. Chiva Som this isn’t.

The spa facilities, though, are impressive. I chose from a menu that was, unsurprisingly, heavy on inch-loss and wrinkle-smoothing treatments. My 90-minute anti-ageing La Therapie HydraLift Facial, which treats the deeper layers of the skin with “galvanic frequencies”, involved having a metal prong rubbed over my face to boost circulation and enhance oxygen absorption. It felt completely painless, and left my skin looking shockingly good, at least under the forgiving lights of the cabin bathroom.

A 90-minute Ionithermie treatment, where you are covered in clay, algae and mud and wired up to electric currents, managed to drain an impressive total of five and a half inches from my hips and thighs. The only downside was the hard sell that came after. The Ionithermie therapist informed me, in dramatic tones, that I have “Stage 3 cellulite” that can only be treated with $900 detox pills. If I hadn’t been sure that this was rubbish, I might have thrown myself overboard.

Still, it is easy to see why the Lotus Spa experience is proving so popular with the cruising clientele. You can slim and tone in an oasis of brass Buddhas and mystical piped music, and afterwards do justice to the entertainment that is laid on in one of the many the restaurants.

Post-Ionithermie, I felt svelte enough to tackle a 17-course Italian meal. Yes, 17. Feasting like it is the last days of Rome isn’t something that is normally associated with the spa experience, but if there is ever a time to push the boat out, a cruise has to be it.

Would I do it again: Yes, in 40 years’ time

In brief

USP Beauty at sea. Not the oxymoron it sounds.

QUALITY OF EXPERIENCE Efficient, if preachy.

AMBIENCE Relaxed and discreet. Plus, being surrounded by porky pensioners will also do wonders for your self-esteem.

FOOD Unending, if rather unhealthy.

IN CROWD Only a handful of preppy American teenagers to convince you that you are not actually in God’s own waiting room.

WALLET WATCH Prices for a 7-night cruise from Southampton start from £599 per person. A nine-night cruise in the Caribbean starts from £841 per person (prices based on two people sharing a cabin and include an early booking discount of up to 45 per cent). Treatments start at £65.

NEED TO KNOW Princess Cruises (0845 355 5800; www.princesscruises.co.uk)

Times recommends

• New York's top 10 new hotels
• A Scottish monastery retreat
• Welcome back to Rwanda