So, what was your colour scheme? Steel band or string quartet? Cava or prosecco? Jerusalem or Bread of Heaven? Marquee or ballroom? Buffet or silver service? Silk or lace? Shall I kill myself now with the grapefruit knife, or wait until dinner and use the lobster crackers?”

Wedding chat. You either love it, or you’re a man. Which is why, if ever you want to see the very acme of badly concealed despair, you should look at the face of a brand-new groom as the breakfast-buffet small talk reveals an awful truth – that he’s just forked out a king’s ransom to spend his honeymoon surrounded by honeymooners.

“Oh, my dear Lord,” the blank eyes and wobbling grin seem to cry out. “I’ve just survived 12 weeks of pretending to care about table decorations and canapé trays; now I have to spend the next fortnight reliving every detail with a charming couple from Tunbridge Wells. Come sunset, I’m over the fence.”

Sadly, this is not a rare event. All of that thoroughly modern pressure to book the top-whack “holiday of a lifetime” – if it ain’t an overwater villa or a treetop lodge, it surely ain’t love – cracks too many of us, and we end up flexing the plastic and waking up in Honeymoon Central.

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BACKGROUND

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Even if all the other lovebirds don’t get on your nerves, there’s a distinct possibility that, while the whole “exotic luxury resort thing” can be a joy, you won’t quite shake the feeling that the 14-hour flight, or the succession of early safari starts, might have been a better basis for a wholly different holiday.

A holiday, perhaps, that wasn’t preceded by a wedding? Because all you really want, straight after the biggest day (and, often, most stressful build-up) of your life, is to relax, reflect, spend loads of time together – and never discuss a flower arrangement again.

Here, then, are some royally romantic honeymoons (or, indeed, second honeymoons) to meet that prescription and to let you escape the, ahem, sausage factories. Prices, unsurprisingly, are based on two people sharing a double bed.

START WITH THE FINNISH

If you’re having a midsummer wedding, consider heading north for a spot of splendid isolation in a Scandinavian waterfront cottage. You could try the Swedish archipelago, but if you really want to escape the crowds, the stunning unsung hero is Finland. Its lake district offers dense, hide-from-the-world forests, predictably stylish pine cabins and bewilderingly long summer days. A pair of bicycles, a canoe for two, a barbecue and a lakefront balcony – if it weren’t for the taxes, you’d never come home. Black Tomato (020 7610 9008, www.blacktomato.co.uk) can put it all together from £799pp for a week, including flights from Heathrow to Kuopio via Helsinki and a transfer to Lake Salahminjarvi. For further enticing Scandinavian ideas, check out Simply Sweden (0845 890 0300, www.simplysweden.co.uk).

YOU’LL ALWAYS HAVE AMSTERDAM

A lot of ’mooners choose to pause in a romantic city before they jet off on the big trip. Sadly, they pick the wrong place. You’ll struggle to escape the carefully packaged love in Paris, but in Amsterdam, all you have to do is steer clear of the sleazy stuff and you’ll have time and space to spare. Hang out around the stunning Prinsengracht canal and the bohemian suburb of the Jordaan – and, of course, for a simple pleasure, rent old-fashioned ’dammer bikes. Hotel Pulitzer, on Prinsengracht, is suitably swish for a first night (00 31 20 523 5235, www.pulitzer.nl; doubles from £160). Rent bikes from Bike City, at 68-70 Bloemgracht (£7 per day). Amsterdam is five hours away by train, via the Eurostar to Brussels (0870 518 6186, www.eurostar.com); airlines serving the city include EasyJet (www.easyjet.com) and KLM (0870 507 4074, www.klm.com).

ROLL WITH IT

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