“Dear Tommies, you don’t want to go on holiday with us? No problem – we will play football without you this summer.”

That was the gibe yesterday from Bild, Germany’s mass circulation newspaper, in an ominous sign that Britain and Germany are cranking up for another summer of poolside conflict.

When David Barnish, 47, won £750 compensation last week for an unhappy holiday in Greece – spoilt, he argued, by the overwhelming presence of Germans and the German language – it was time to brush last year’s sand off the clichés about German tourists: that they plan their holidays with military precision, storm the buffet and rise at dawn to capture sun loungers at resorts from Majorca to Egypt.

The Sun, which has crossed swords with Bild many times before, led the way with the headline: “Holiday from Helmut – Brits sue over holiday with Germans”.

In the old days the Germans would have taken this lying down, perhaps with a tortured grin. Not to laugh it off would have given more life to a second cliché: that the Germans have no sense of humour.

Now, though, they are determined to give as good as they get. Hence the publication by Bild yesterday of a list of resorts traditionally dominated by the British, together with some choice comments on this country’s diet, drinking habits and penalty-taking ability.

“Can I get my money back if there are too many Englishmen in my hotel?” asked Bild.

Sadly, no. “Even if the travel company announces in the brochure that the resort is ‘favoured by Germans’,” said Uta Stenzel, an expert in German holiday law, “the tourist has to accept the possibility that he will spend his holidays with up to 90 per cent foreigners – above all with the English.”

This is bad news for German travellers, who are famed for their readiness to take tour operators to court when they return home, often winning back 30 per cent of the value of their holiday if a cockroach was spotted in the restaurant.

So Bild’s advice is simply to avoid the Brits on holiday.

“That’s the best solution,” Tanja Dauth, of the package company L’TUR, told the paper. “Avoid the best-known English holiday citadels when you book. We advise our customers which nationalities they can expect to encounter in their hotels.”

Last weekend some of the German Sunday papers kicked off the “avoid the Brits” game with an analysis of the beaches in Majorca. The worst marks were awarded to Port de Pollença and Magaluf.

“Germans booking there will need to have an understanding of the very special British humour and drinking habits,” the analysis said.

“As for those (vomit) stains on the promenade, they are what is left of the previous night’s entertainment. The place is suitable for party-lovers who want to learn English on the side.”

Magaluf also heads the Bild list of no-go areas – followed by San Antonio in Ibiza, Playa de las Americas in Tenerife, Ayia Napa in Cyprus and Faliraki on Rhodes.

Malia, in Crete, comes with a Bild health alert: “Binge drinking, sex and sand – three things that make this place on the east coast of Crete an attractive destination for the English.”

Lest the Germans have a problem identifying the Brits abroad, Bild carried a field guide on its online version. One mildly upsetting picture showed two allegedly British females with their legs open, on sun loungers that they had apparently wrestled from the Germans.

Other anthropological studies offered by the paper include pictures of Britons binge-drinking (described by the paper as “a British invention”), anatomically challenged tourists (“athletically they are a disaster – they can’t even take penalties”) and Brits tucking into their grub.

And as Bildsomewhat cruelly points out, Austria and Switzerland – the venue of this summer’s European Championships – will be largely Brit-free zones this year.

What the Bild guide says about other English holiday destinations

Magaluf, Majorca: “For party-lovers who want to learn English on the side”

Ayia Napa, Cyprus: “The Brits prefer to celebrate with the Scandinavians in this former fishing port”

Playa de las Americas, Tenerife: “The hotels are high-rise and the nights are loud”

Malia, Crete: “Binge drinking, sex and sand – three things that make this attractive for the English”

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