May I iron your map, sir?

Not really the sort of question Michael Caine’s Alfred might ask of Bruce Wayne, but then Alfred’s not an “outdoor butler”. To find one, head to the venerable Lords of the Manor hotel, in the Cotswolds (01451 820243), where a nice chap will scrub down your Barbour and wellies, brush the dog, serve riverside drinks for fishermen and provide “binocular conveyance” and “picnic champagne management”, all for a trifling £95 per day. “We’re less formal these days, so you can just call him Andy,” the hotel says. Perish the thought – might lead to overfamiliarity in the lower orders.

Zzzzzz...

If there’s one place in the world you shouldn’t have trouble nodding off, it’s the Maldives – there’s absolutely nothing to do. That hasn’t stopped the Irufushi resort (www.irufushi.com), which opens next month, introducing a sleep concierge. A what? “He will be on call, and if guests have trouble sleeping, they can phone for gentle encouragement,” the resort says. What sort of encouragement? Is he really boring? “No.” What will he say, then? “He will reassure you. He might even read you a bedtime story.” Ah. All together now: “Once upon a time, a hotelier had a daft idea...”

Jamaica inn

If you’re the sort of person who spends far too long reading the small-point type on the back of CDs, you’ll have heard of Geejam. One of Jamaica’s best little recording studios, it has added five swish places to stay and opened as a mightily exclusive boutique hotel, with rates from £215 (www.geejamhotel.com). They’re not saying who’ll be laying down tracks over the coming months, but Gorillaz, India Arie and Björk have recorded here in the past. They could be back. Mind you, so could No Doubt. It’s just a risk you take.

It’s the old, old story

Saga cruises will be running a special Antiques Roadshow voyage in October. A panel from the BBC programme will be on hand to inspect and value anything ancient that turns up. This column’s strict antiageism policy prevents us from making any cheap jokes here, but feel free to insert your own.

Food fit for the dogs

They may be our best friends, but this is too much. Windermere’s ultra-classy Holbeck Ghyll hotel (01539 432375) is introducing Michelin-starred doggy meals. “They’ll be prepared with the same care and expertise as the meals in our restaurant, by the same award-winning chefs,” says the owner, Patricia Nicholson. “If Prince wants gently sautéed fillet steak with designer dog biscuits, that’s what he’ll have.” May we suggest the vintage Murky Puddle Water to go with that, sir?

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