By the right, quick... sleep! London’s Cavendish hotel has invited instructors from British Military Fitness - all serving or ex-forces - to give its guests a thorough, regular workout in nearby Hyde Park. Hang on, isn’t the whole point of being in a hotel to slob around watching movies and making a mess of the sheets? “You don’t have to go,” it says. “It’s optional, but it’d do you good.” Sorry, we have a pressing engagement with room service.

Lean and mean This could catch on. When it reopens its restaurant next month, Oulton Hall hotel (0113 282 1000), in Yorkshire, will be putting on a slap-up family Sunday-lunch package: mum and dad shell out £22.50, but kiddies under 15 pay by weight - their own. Yes, there’s a weigh-in on the way in, and if little Johnny’s 4st, that’s four quid on the tab, no matter what he munches. Keep ’em hungry for a week beforehand and you’ll win both ways.

Now we know why Popeye looks like that Have they really thought this one through? The cruiser Norwegian Gem (www.ncl.co.uk ) has introduced on-board Botox treatments. Fine if it’s calm, but you wouldn’t want to be around all those needles when it starts to roll, would you? “We are equipped with stabilisers, so don’t worry: there’s no chance they’ll inject the wrong bit,” they say reassuringly.

The week’s big opening A large welcome kiss to the Erotic Heritage Museum (www.eroticheritagemuseum.com ), which opened in Las Vegas last week. It’s the pride and joy of the “leading erotologist” Harry Mohney, whose personal collection of “art” covers 24,000 sq ft - however, it’s not the size but what is done with it that counts. The curator, the Rev Dr Ted McIlvenna, will rotate Harry’s stash of paintings, films and books, all depicting “a wide spectrum of behaviours”, to keep the exhibitions fresh. To be fair, any museum where the shop sells posters for that classic of situationist cinema, Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls (We Deliver!!!), gets our vote. Entry is £8 - or £6 for senior citizens. Nice touch.

A sinking feeling It’s where they put up the survivors from the Titanic, which doesn’t bode that well - but the Jane (00 1-212 924 6700), which opens this month, should be fab. Once a sailors’ hostel, it has been restored as a budget hotel, with tiny but stylish train-compartment-style single rooms for £50 a night - not bad for the West Village. “All Manhattan hotels seem to be high-end design palaces,” it says. “We’re real, bohemian New York, like the old Chelsea hotel.” Which is where Sid and Nancy stayed. Oh, no, those omens again...

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