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I always went on holidays to the British coast as a child, but it was my burning goal to go abroad with my friends as soon as I could. Family things were fine and idyllic and all that, but I couldn’t wait to get away. I had such a desire for independence.

My first foreign holiday was in Spain when I was about 16. I went to Lloret de Mar, on the Costa Brava, with 10 friends, and it was brilliant. We were just scabby, spotty young guys, getting up to all kinds of drunken, Ibiza Uncovered mischief - the usual stuff young guys get up to on holidays, like chasing women, drinking excessively, puking up, getting really badly sunburnt and having silly tattoos done, then regretting it for ever. It was a great laugh.

I actually managed to avoid getting a tattoo on that trip, but I did get one in Great Yarmouth the following year. I had a skull and dice, and it desecrates my forearm to this day. This was on another lads’ holiday. We were drunk and, after a brainstorm, it seemed like a good idea - but in that kind of situation, it never is. It’s one of those horrible 1970s tattoos, as well, the kind guys with a John Wayne walk wear. It really dates you.

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For me, holiday destinations have got to have good nightlife, although very rarely do I go nuts and jump around in clubs for 12 hours, like I did in my younger days. I just can’t handle all-nighters any more, but I do still enjoy house music and the atmosphere you find in those places. In that respect, Miami is perfect - they have great, chilled-out clubs where you’re generally not surrounded by kids, which is important at my age.

In fact, Miami is ideal for holidays. At the moment, I spend most of the winter there, but I think I could retire to the area at some point. It’s got everything; beautiful art-deco architecture, nice big hotels and cocktail bars, the beach, art galleries on Lincoln Road and in the Design District. You can even hire a car and drive up to the Everglades to play with some swampy pals. It’s very relaxed - I just love it.

I’ve been to quite a few places with Unicef over the years, such as Afghanistan and Sudan, and because I do all that kind of stuff, when I go on holiday I prefer beachy, resort-type areas. Monaco, the south of France, St Tropez are all favourites. I like chic places. There’s nothing better than putting on a white suit and going to a casino in Monte Carlo. You’ve got to be prepared to lose; they’re not charities, so everyone is a loser at the casino in the end. But I still love it - it’s just a bit of a Bond fantasy for me.

Having said that, not all my trips are like that, and I recently had one of the worst holidays of all time. I went to see Hibs v Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk in a Uefa Cup football match deep down in southeast Ukraine. I had been renovating this old house previously, and I’d inhaled lots of dust, which dried out my oesophagus and stomach lining, and I managed to cough a tear into it.

On that holiday, I was drinking this powerful Ukrainian vodka, which is just like paint stripper, and I kept puking up blood. I had to take a 16-hour train journey from Dnipropetrovsk to Kiev while that was going on. I felt like I had died a thousand deaths on that trip - it was just awful.

One place I would love to visit at some point is China, mainly because it’s there and I’ve never been - which is kind of like why people climb Everest, I suppose. But I wouldn’t go when the Olympics are on. I’d rather go when the place is actually interesting, rather than when you’re just being fleeced.

I’m also a fan of big uninhabited or semi-uninhabited places - I’d love to go to Spitsbergen, in Norway, and the Antarctic. I love places that have all the tourist facilities, but you’ve got to get off the beaten trail as well from time to time. It’s planet earth, and you’ve really got to see as much of it as you can.

Irvine Welsh talked to Sian Thatcher. His new novel, Crime, is published by Jonathan Cape at £12.99

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