In the grim windowless lounge of the Oxford Street YHA, I sat on a garish red sofa next to a rack of brochures advertising sightseeing tours of London and a pile of tatty backpacker magazines.

I was on my own. In the kitchen next door (into which I’d just poked my head) an elderly woman with a black eye had been drinking a cup of tea.

“Hello,” she said drearily, hardly looking up. She was as much company as this youth hostel seemed to offer.

A dusty shelf by a blinking TV in a corner contained a few books: a Joanna Trollope, a Wilbur Smith and a European rail timetable.

Next to this was a copy of George Orwell’s 1984, in which a passage was underlined in pencil. “Until they become conscious,” it read, “they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious.”

Feeling semi-conscious myself (the Oxford Street YHA does this to you), I left the lounge and walked down a narrow passageway.

This led to the kiosk where a receptionist with watery eyes and a whispery voice sold Mars bars for 50p and water bottles for £1 (the dining options). Postcards of Big Ben were 25p and “eye blinds and ear plugs” £3. Not very promising.

In my room — which contained a bunk, a sink and a small grubby desk — I wished I’d bought the eye blinds. For £63.95, this is what I got, complete with a view of the security shutters of a ramshackle office (God alone, plus a few Swedish backpackers, knows what the £24.50 dorms were like).

The room was miserable, dirty and downright mean. The faded purple and lilac carpet had a tadpole pattern and was scarred with cigarette burns.

The wall by my bed had a huge crack with peeling paint. A Travelodge, which often has cheaper rooms, is a palace compared with this place, I thought, closing the flimsy curtains and listening to roaring buses.

The toilets down the hall were filthy. Water trickled from the taps feebly. And everywhere felt grimy. Do not, unless you want to experience 1984 for real, go to the Oxford Street YHA.

YHA London Oxford Street (0845 3719133, www.yha.org.uk), 14 Noel Street, London W1F 8GJ.

Mystery Guest paid £63.95 for a bunk room.

Room 0 out of 10

Food 0

Service 2

Value 0

Score 0.5

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