You don’t get soap at the Crown and Castle, a restaurant with 18 rooms at Orford in Suffolk. Instead, there is a “grapefruit massage bar with shea butter”. Do you wash with it, or ask for a glass of Chablis as an accompaniment?

Aside from grapefruit massage bars, there are some very good things about the Crown and Castle. One is Orford itself: an adorable small town with a castle. Another is the friendliness of the staff, led by Ruth Watson, Channel Five’s hotel inspector (the inspector, on this occasion, being inspected). While most country hotels – at the least the ones I’ve been to – seem to be run by South Africans, everyone that I met here was a local. Where, I wonder, does Watson find them?

Although this isn’t a budget establishment, the two old codgers in the bar when we arrived for dinner were still there when we left. I took this as a good sign. And although the square grey chairs looked a bit tired, the decor is jolly: bright colours; embroidered flags from Port Said; a large Edwardian pastel of a nude woman in the sea, adopting a most uncomfortable posture.

The problem, I found, is the omnipresence of Watson. The cooking is hale, if not exciting: robust flavours, contrasting textures, local ingredients. But I could have done without the code referring to Watson cookery books that the recipes appear in. There is also a rigmarole at the beginning of the wine list about why they don’t ask you to try the wine, unless customers want it. And what about this: “Sherry is a wine – and good sherry (the sort we have) is a revelation.” Please. Sherlock Holmes’s Watson wisely kept in the background.

I got the last available room: bright yet homey, smelling strongly of hay (new seagrass), with a local history book and cycling map. A narcotically comfortable bed was followed by a fine breakfast, shared with a man in tweeds. Not a grapefruit in sight.

Bottom line: Clive Aslet paid £279.20 for an en suite double room, dinner for two people and breakfast. Three nights’ B&B with two à la carte three-course dinners and a pub supper across the street at the King’s Head is from £400 per couple.
Sampling the fare: Big emphasis on local ingredients, but this wasn’t cooking to rattle the horses.
Best thing: Orford is the most fabulous place.
Worst thing: Uncomfortably large bill.
Access all areas: Yes.

Need to know:
The Crown and Castle, Orford, Suffolk IP12 2LJ
01394 450205
www.crownandcastle.co.uk

Room: 8 out of 10.
Food: 7 out of 10.
Service: 9 out of 10.
Value: 6 out of 10.

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