WEARING a skimpy black rubber outfit and flanked by a pair of half-naked blonde women in thongs, Naomi Campbell recently cavorted about in my bedroom.

I can say this without fear of legal (or physical) reprisal, because a picture of her doing just that can be found on the “celebrities” section of the Pavilion “Fashion Rock'n'Roll” Hotel's website.

The picture was taken for a style magazine with a fetishist bent - the thongs had chains - in the Enter the Dragon room of this highly unusual budget hotel.

Perhaps the room had been selected to match Campbell's fiery reputation. The oriental decor was lively: a Chinese jewellery box of red hanging lanterns, olive wallpaper with a teapot motif, a pink pagoda ceiling pattern, shiny green curtains, and a red and blue silk bedcover.

Pavilion Hotel was opened a couple of years ago by a former fashion model, Danny Karne, and his sister, Noshi, who were sick of “boring hotels around the world”. So they let loose their creative impulses.

The result is a hotel with 30 themed rooms. Honky Tonk Afro has a lime-green 1970s look, Monochrome Marilyn is full of Monroe pictures, Cosmic Girl has a slick nightclub feel, and Secret Garden looks like a Victorian parlour.

In the latter, Jarvis Cocker can be seen on the “celebrities” page smoking a fag. Bryan Ferry was photographed by Mario Testino in the Honky Tonk Afro room, and Kelly Brook modelled underwear for a tabloid newspaper in the Better Red than Dead room.

But I doubt that they were guests. The Pavilion may look good in a glossy mag, but it's not the greatest place to stay. Traffic noise poured through the windows. The bed was squidgy. The shower-room was minuscule. It was cold, and I couldn't get the radiator to work. The receptionist told me that room service - there is no restaurant - was “unavailable, the kitchen's closed”.

There was also something odd about the OTT oriental look. “I just don't like it,” said my companion - whose negative reaction matched many TripAdvisor.com reviews. “Creepy”, “uugh”, and “worst hotel ever”, they cried, although others said “funky and eclectic” and “the coolest place to stay in London for hipsters on a budget”.

The Pavilion is on a row of £25-a-night hotels with names such as Haven and Camelot just off Edgware Road, where there are terrific shisha-pipe cafés and Arabic restaurants. Beirut Express was busy, so we ate at Iran the Restaurant, wondering if the white wine flowed as nicely in Tehran, too.

Back at the hotel - which is undoubtedly inexpensive - I tried not to think of Naomi Campbell in bondage gear lurking by the wardrobe. But I still had a fitful night's sleep.

Bottom line Mystery Guest paid £104 for a B&B double

Sampling the fare Reasonable continental breakfast left outside room

Best thing Wacky decor

Worst thing Traffic noise

Need to know Pavilion Hotel (020-7262 0905, www.pavilionhoteluk.com), 34-36 Sussex Gardens, Hyde Park, London W2

Room 10 out of 10 (wackiness), 2 out of ten (comfort)

Food 5 out of 10 (breakfast)

Service 3 out of 10

Value 4.5 out of 10

Score 4.9

PUT TO THE TEST: 20 Mystery Guest questions for... Pavilion Hotel

1. Do rooms have kettles/coffee makers? And is there fresh milk?

There are kettles - but no fresh milk, just cartons.

2. Is there a hairdryer, and is it fixed to a wall?

Hairdryer available from reception.

3. Are coathangers metal, wooden, removable?

Wooden and plastic.

4. Complimentary bottle of water?

No.

5. Sheets and blankets or duvets?

Duvets.

6. What about a 'pillow menu'?

No.

7. Is lighting good enough for reading?

Lighting in each room differs - was just about OK in Enter the Dragon.

8. Is there a shaving/make up mirror? And is it well lit?

No.

9. What about the in-room entertainment system?

Small TV on top of warbrobe in Enter the Dragon Room.

10. Is there a temperature control panel?

No.

11. Do the windows open?

Yes in Mystery Guest's room.

12. Is there good sound-proofing?

No to in the Enter the Dragon room.

13. Is there wi-fi internet access?

Yes. £10 for a day.

14. Is there a good place to go jogging nearby?

No.

15. What is the vegetarian food selection like?

Room service french fires.

16. Is there baby listening/babysitting? And are children welcome at adults’ evening meals?

Not really a child-friendly hotel.

17. Is there wheelchair access to all areas?

No.

18. Do you get a free paper in the morning?

No.

19. Is there a pub round the corner?

Yes.

20. Is there free car parking? And is it secure?

Car parking spaces in the unsecured front courtyard is £10 a day.

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