The Randolph has been the grande dame of Oxford hotels for generations and, since episodes of Inspector Morse were filmed there, it has been a popular tourist attraction. Sadly, whenever I’ve stayed, the experience has failed to live up to its glorious Gothic façade. On one visit, I checked in to my room to be confronted by a bedspread with a bloodstain – a great find for Morse (after whom the hotel bar is named), but a bit disconcerting for me. I’ve also had the worst restaurant pudding I’ve ever eaten – a leathery old choux pastry swan in a puddle of crème de menthe.

The Randolph has, however, recently been awarded five AA stars, after investment by Macdonald Hotels and the addition of a spa in the basement, so surely a night of care-free luxury beckoned?

I rang the day before to book a parking space for the night. The 23 hotel spaces were full so we would need a day-long voucher for the nearest NCP car park, costing £25.50. We arrived at 11am, picked our way through the throngs of Russians and Japanese in the lobby and one of the reception staff wrote out a voucher. Our room was not ready, so we went out for the day.

In the early evening my husband and children went back to the hotel while I parked. When I returned, my daughter was sobbing and my husband was fuming. She had gone to the loo by reception, someone had switched the lights off, and in the darkness she had banged her head. Husband, meanwhile, had tried to get a table for dinner and was told the restaurant was full, even at 6pm (curiously, when I went down to look at the menu at 6.45pm the room was almost empty). We crammed into the one working lift with a bellboy and our bags and watched, bemused, as he tried to deliver them to the wrong room.

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BACKGROUND

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BACKGROUND

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• Randolph Hotel, Oxford

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Our “classic suite” was slightly tired and inoffensively decorated. Husband went off to the bathroom, got locked in and started cursing. I feared I might start snivelling, too.

Dinner was the answer – I pressed the room service button, but the line was dead. Could this hotel be any more annoying? At least when I did get through, via reception, things started to get better.

Our haddock and chips arrived on time, and the chips were great (if too few). The buffet breakfast in the restaurant the next morning was generous.

But we couldn’t wait to leave. The Randolph clearly couldn’t cope. Why this hotel has five stars is a mystery worthy of the great Inspector himself.

Bottom line: Julia Brookes paid £278 for a classic suite with breakfast.

Need to know: Randolph Hotel, Beaumont Street, Oxford.

0870 4008200

www.randolph-hotel.com

Sampling the fare: Room service food was child friendly and cost £80 for four.

Access all areas: First-floor rooms for wheelchair use.

Best thing: The chips.

Worst thing: Holly bashing her face in the pitch-black loo.

Room: 5 out of 10.

Service: 5 out of 10.

Food: 7 out of 10.

Value: 2 out of 10.

Have you stayed at the Randolph Hotel? Do you agree or disagree with our review?

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