“This room stinks,” my daughter announced. Surely not. Probably just cleaning products, I told her. The man showing us our room chipped in: “Yes, it’s just been cleaned, so it’s probably that,” before disappearing quicker than you could say Flash.

But there was a funny smell, and as the eau de cleaning products died down, the odour it was masking grew. Drains. Not good when you’re spending £185 a night near Blackburn.

A phone call later, and after refusing the offer of some air freshener, we were upgraded to a vast honeymoon suite.

The hotel started to grow on me. But nothing on its website prepares you for the Jordan/ Peter Andre-style interior design. There are thick white carpets and gold sparkly-fringed lampshades, gilt-framed mirrors flanked by cherubs and diamanté chandeliers. We were particularly taken by the thrones in the lobby and bar like the ones Posh and Becks had at their wedding.

The 12 rooms are in an old stone manor house, the bar and restaurant in a converted barn. The hotel’s name (Stanley) and bar (Mr Fred’s) both sound like characters from the Rover’s Return, but don’t let this mislead you — the place is pure glitz and the waiting staff are predominantly French.

We were summoned from our thrones in Mr Fred’s, where we had the best nibbles this side of the M6: shavings of beetroot and sweet potato standing in a glass like paint brushes with four brightly coloured dips in small paint pots. We pushed through a wall of diamanté strings to a room full of paisley screen prints, tasseled curtains and swirly carpets.

An amuse-bouche of sardine rillettes with parsley foam arrived — is there anywhere the foam fetish hasn’t reached? And I ordered smoked salmon and blinis, followed by turbot, beautifully presented in an oblong plate with splodges of colours and textures. My two children had pasta with tomato sauce followed by ice-cream to share, all of which they ate, so it must have been good.

The clientele was young, northern and affluent, though you’d have to be at these prices. Our bill came to £70 and I’d had only one drink, no bottle of wine or dessert.

Breakfasting back among the glitter and tassels was a bit like revisiting a nightclub after the party’s over. Smoked haddock was as it should be, but the scrambled egg was oversalted and the waiter forgot our toast, though he was apologetic about it.

But one thing you can’t accuse Stanley House of is being boring.

Bottom line: Jeannette Hyde paid £185 for a double room, including breakfast.

Need to know: Stanley House (01254 769200, www.stanleyhouse.co.uk), Stanley House, Mellor, Lancashire BB2 7NP.

Sampling the fare: Dinner for an adult and two kids, £70.

Access all areas: Two rooms.

Best thing: Pure camp.

Worst thing: Drains.

Room: 4 out of 10.

Food: 7 out of 10.

Service: 7 out of 10.

Value: 4 out of 10.

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