Sometimes you just know you've made a mistake the moment you walk through the door. And that's exactly how I felt at the Pied Bull.

From the outside, it looks the part: an ancient coaching inn with sturdy stone arches on a site believed to have had a licensed house since 1155. That makes it one of the oldest pubs in Chester, a short stroll from the magnificent cathedral.

It sounded terrific on Chestertourist.com - “attractive with efficient staff”, and rumours of a ghost in the cellar (the Paranormal Channel had recently been to investigate).

I was intrigued, imagining a lovely old place serving fine ales and hearty food, with cosy rooms upstairs. Instead, I was confronted with a DJ at a set of turntables playing rap music loudly over disco-style speakers. While the rapper discussed girlfriends and inner-city LA life, I crossed a dimly lit lounge with a low ceiling and exposed beams that reeked of polish.

There were wooden tables next to worn-looking red chairs. At one of these, by a flashing “Caribbean Cash” fruit machine, a man with a grey ponytail was animatedly regaling mates with stories about his day's gambling: “It was a 10-1 shot. I said, ‘Get in!' Gorrr, it was a beauty!” He slapped the table in joy.

At a poky reception beyond the bar, a woman took my payment details and warned that I had 15 minutes in which to order food “if you want any”. As she said this, a chef with a flint-like look appeared and eyed me in a manner that suggested I had better not be late.

I rushed up a creaky staircase, passing a landing with an internet terminal (which failed to work when I tried it later) to my top-floor room. It was small and hot with no air-conditioning. A child-size desk sat beneath a tiny TV on a bracket. The light bulb by the mirror in the windowless bathroom was missing. The beam above the bed was patched up with what appeared to be gaffer tape. For decoration, there was a picture of a ginger maiden in a field.

I looked out of the window into a central courtyard and was surprised to find my gaze returned by a large man wearing boxer shorts and a T-shirt lying on his bed in a room on the floor below.

Wondering if he was the ghost that had attracted the attention of the Paranormal Channel, I pulled the curtains and went downstairs, where a quiz had just started.

Salmon fishcakes were not available so I ate very average sausage, peas and mash listening to songs from the 1980s as people guessed the artists. I drank a pint of Black Sheep Ale, after the barmaid told me: “I think it's local.” I pushed the peas about in the gravy. I listened to some Billy Ocean and Meatloaf songs. Then I returned, with a sense of dread, to my room. I don't think I'll be going back to the Pied Bull in Chester in a hurry.

Bottom line Mystery Guest paid £65 for a B&B double

Sampling the fare Disappointing dinner and poor cooked breakfast

Best thing The building

Worst thing Everything else

Need to know The Pied Bull (01244 325829), 57 Northgate Street, Chester CH1 2HQ

Room 1 out of 10

Food 2.5 out of 10

Service 5 out of 10

Value 2 out of 10

Score 2.63

PUT TO THE TEST: 20 Mystery Guest questions for... The Pied Bull

1. Do rooms have kettles/coffee makers? And is there fresh milk?

Kettles and fresh milk on request.

2. Is there a hairdryer, and is it fixed to a wall?

Handheld hairdrayer.

3. Are coathangers metal, wooden, removable?

Wooden and removeable.

4. Complimentary bottle of water?

No.

5. Sheets and blankets or duvets?

Duvets.

6. What about a 'pillow menu'?

No.

7. Is lighting good enough for reading?

OK lighting.

8. Is there a shaving/make up mirror? And is it well lit?

No specific shaving/make-up mirror.

9. What about the in-room entertainment system?

Small remote control TV.

10. Is there a temperature control panel?

No.

11. Do the windows open?

Yes.

12. Is there good sound-proofing?

Some muffled noise from music from the bar on the top floor.

13. Is there wi-fi internet access?

Yes.

14. Is there a good place to go jogging nearby?

Can jog around Chester's city walls - about two miles.

15. What is the vegetarian food selection like?

OK, but nothing special.

16. Is there baby listening/babysitting? And are children welcome at adults’ evening meals?

No. But children welcomed.

17. Is there wheelchair access to all areas?

Only to ground floor.

18. Do you get a free paper in the morning?

Yes, on request.

19. Is there a pub round the corner?

Downstairs. Plus others nearby.

20. Is there free car parking? And is it secure?

Parking is £10 a night and there are only three spaces.

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