I try not to quote taxi drivers - it's just too easy. But the cabbie on the way to this hotel had a point. “Look at the windows, the way they hang inwards, mate,” he said, pointing at Marks Hotel.

“It's a nightmare for window washers. They can't get at them hanging from above. Instead they have to use a crane. Blocks up the road, that does.”

Then he said, in the way cab drivers do: “Whoever's responsible should get a kick in the a***!”

On this note, I arrived at Marks Hotel.

From the outside, the modern building and its “nightmare” windows seemed more than a bit out of place: a slice of angular glass with a ramp-like roof that looked as if it had been designed for Evel Knievel to leap across the street to an elegant row of Georgian buildings opposite. I was beginning to agree with the cabbie.

Once inside, however, I discovered, that Marks was unashamedly “funky”, with James “Godfather of Soul” Brown playing, swirly decadent red-and-gold wallpaper, and cool receptionists dressed in black. Guests in trendy trainers were drinking trendy beers listening to Get Up Offa That Thing on stripy sofas in the bar.

As the music switched to Otis Redding singing Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay, I went to my room. This was extremely purple (wallpaper, blankets, carpets, curtains), reminding me of yet another funk-soul maestro, Prince. Humming Purple Rain, I took a look about.

The room was not large and, despite the splendid purpleness, I was slightly disappointed. I was at the back with a bleak view of air-conditioning units, council blocks and a depressingly grey Thistle hotel. Some of the room fittings looked dated. Scuffed drawers on an old, clunky wooden desk said “hairdryer” and “tea/coffee”, spoiling the funky purply feel. Marks, I later learnt, opened last August and was previously a Bewleys hotel. My guess was that some of the interior was left over from the old hotel.

Motown hits were playing downstairs as I arrived for dinner. This, however, was another disappointment. My starter, a chicken and mushroom roulade that lacked almost any flavour, was followed by monkfish served with Béarnaise sauce and curried vegetables. Béarnaise and curry, I can report, are not a winning mix.

Nor was the tag-team service from four waiters. The result was that the wine took ages to come, and I was accosted as I left by one waiter who thought I hadn't paid.

But then another James Brown track went on - Funky President (People It's Bad). And even though some bits of Marks are definitely “bad”, I ended up thinking the rest was pretty damn “good”... no matter what the moaning cabbie said.

Bottom line Mystery Guest paid £99 for a B&B double

Sampling the fare Poor

Best thing It's cheap

Worst thing Poor service

Need to know Marks Hotel (0141-353 0800, www.markshotels.com), 110 Bath Road, Glasgow G2 2EN

Room 5 out of 10

Food 2 out of 10

Service 5 out of 10

Value 7.5 out of 10

Score 4.88

PUT TO THE TEST: 20 Mystery Guest questions for... Marks Hotel

1. Do rooms have kettles/coffee makers? And is there fresh milk?

Yes, and fresh milk on request.

2. Is there a hairdryer, and is it fixed to a wall?

Hand-held hairdryers.

3. Are coathangers metal, wooden, removable?

Wooden, removeable.

4. Complimentary bottle of water?

Only in "superior" rooms.

5. Sheets and blankets or duvets?

Duvets.

6. What about a 'pillow menu'?

Different pillows can be requested.

7. Is lighting good enough for reading?

Yes.

8. Is there a shaving/make up mirror? And is it well lit?

No specific shaving/make up mirror.

9. What about the in-room entertainment system?

TV and DVD.

10. Is there a temperature control panel?

Yes.

11. Do the windows open?

Yes.

12. Is there good sound-proofing?

Better in the rooms in the front. At the back Mystery Guest could hear some next-door noises.

13. Is there wi-fi internet access?

Yes, free.

14. Is there a good place to go jogging nearby?

No.

15. What is the vegetarian food selection like?

OK, nothing special.

16. Is there baby listening/babysitting? And are children welcome at adults’ evening meals?

Yes, baby listening on request, but no babysitting.

17. Is there wheelchair access to all areas?

Yes.

18. Do you get a free paper in the morning?

In "superior" rooms.

19. Is there a pub round the corner?

Pub/bar downstairs.

20. Is there free car parking? And is it secure?

No, but guests can stay at nearby car park for £10 for 24 hours.

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