It's not every day that you find yourself in a room with a view of the Slough Trading Estate. But that's exactly how I ended up on a break at this exclusive “club hotel” on a hill overlooking one of Britain's most maligned towns.

Beyond landscaped trees - which had not quite grown enough - and a golf course leading on from a terrace with a fountain, the cooling tower of the estate's power station stood, grey and proud, near warehouses full of computer components, pharmaceuticals and telecommunications parts.

But if you're staying at Stoke Park Club, do not make the mistake of suggesting that the hotel is in Slough, even though it has a Slough postcode.

“We are in Stoke Poges!” said a receptionist sharply.

Stoke Park Club is an imposing 18th-century building with a dome and steps to an entrance guarded by stone lions. It looks very grand, indeed. And the price reflected that: more than £400 for dinner, B&B.

But the big problem with Stoke Park was it did not feel grand.

Far from it. To start, the decor looked dated and worn, with bright pink bedcovers redolent of the 1980s, and scuffed and frayed furniture you just don't expect in a £400 hotel. Staff seemed aloof: the porter leading us to our room took my bag, but not my companion's, then virtually sprinted off (reminding me of the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland). Other guests were wealthy and perhaps a little too pleased to show it: the car park was a Jeremy Clarkson fantasy of Range Rovers and Porsches. The pool and “award-winning” spa, in a separate modern building with guest rooms, were disappointing: not enough loungers and a slightly spartan look.

Dining tables were too close together, making conversation awkward. The food was uninspiring and included prawn cocktail salad as a main course. I couldn't get the internet to work, despite reading four pages of instructions. Water from the bath poured on to the floor from the overflow hole. And there were boring golf magazines - “make the perfect putt” - piled all over the place (Stoke Park is where James Bond played Blofeld in Goldfinger).

Everything, to borrow a golf term, was generally below par.

Feeling distinctly underwhelmed, we went for a walk. Stoke Poges Church, near by, was Thomas Gray's inspiration for Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard, and Gray is buried in a stone tomb at the front.

It was quiet, peaceful and pretty. “Drowsy tinklings” did indeed seem to “lull the distant folds”, while “all the air a solemn stillness holds”.

And there wasn't a 4x4 or expensive prawn cocktail in sight.

Golfers with money to burn, and perhaps Jeremy Clarkson, may love Stoke Park. But even though you can hardly see the Slough Trading Estate, it may not be to everyone's taste.

Bottom line: Mystery Guest paid £409 for a double room, dinner, B&B

Sampling the fare Included in the price; wine was extra

Best thing Gray's church

Worst thing Vulgarity

Need to know Stoke Park Club (01753 717171, www.stokeparkclub.com), Stoke Poges, Bucks SL2 4PG

Room 3 out of 10

Food 4.5 out of 10

Service 4 out of 10

Value 1 out of 10

Score 3.13

PUT TO THE TEST: 20 Mystery Guest questions for... Stoke Park

1. Do rooms have kettles/coffee makers? And is there fresh milk?

No.

2. Is there a hairdryer, and is it fixed to a wall?

Yes, hand-held.

3. Are coathangers metal, wooden, removable?

Wooden, removeable.

4. Complimentary bottle of water?

Yes.

5. Sheets and blankets or duvets?

Sheets and blankets in the main building and sheets and duvets in the Pavilion building connected to the spa.

6. What about a 'pillow menu'?

Yes, anti-ellergy pillows available.

7. Is lighting good enough for reading?

Yes.

8. Is there a shaving/make up mirror? And is it well lit?

No magnified mirrors, but large mirrors in each room.

9. What about the in-room entertainment system?

TVs in all rooms, iPod stations in the Pavilion rooms.

10. Is there a temperature control panel?

Not in the main building, but 'yes' in the Pavilion.

11. Do the windows open?

Yes.

12. Is there good sound-proofing?

Yes, in Mystery Guest's room.

13. Is there wi-fi internet access?

Yes but only in the Pavilion rooms. There's broadband in the main building. £15 a day.

14. Is there a good place to go jogging nearby?

Yes, plenty of room around the golf course.

15. What is the vegetarian food selection like?

OK, and dishes can be requested.

16. Is there baby listening/babysitting? And are children welcome at adults’ evening meals?

No baby-listening, but babysitting can be booked.

17. Is there wheelchair access to all areas?

Not in the main building, but 'yes' in the Pavilion.

18. Do you get a free paper in the morning?

No.

19. Is there a pub round the corner?

No.

20. Is there free car parking? And is it secure?

Yes and yes.

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