I was deep in the heart of H.E. Bates land. Pluckley, the village from which Bates drew inspiration for The Darling Buds of May, lay a couple of miles down twisting lanes. Cornfields spread out towards the hilly horizon, reminding me of landscapes by John Nash.

Birdsong twittered from trees by an old barn, beyond hanging baskets overflowing with yellow and red flowers. All else was silent. I looked around, thinking: it doesn't get much more English countryside than this.

Then I returned to my room in an old farmhouse building, flicked on the multichannel satellite television, turned on the “touch technology” bedside table lights, sipped a glass of New Zealand chardonnay I'd ordered from the cocktail bar, and sat back in a slick leather sofa near two arty pictures of Tower Bridge and the Millennium Dome.

I was in the lounge section of my room at Elvey Farm. This led via a short corridor with a large wardrobe decorated with trendy black and white wallpaper to a bedroom with a large bed with orange and gold cushions.

The bedspread matched the wallpaper. There were exposed beams and a neat chest of drawers. Next to this was a grey, slate bathroom with a slick trough-style sink and fancy toiletries.

The room was terrific. High-tech, comfortable, well-designed, large and not at all what I had expected as I'd driven my Renault 5 past the church and the Black Horse pub - Pa Larkin's favourite in the TV version of Darling Buds - in Pluckley. I've stayed in five-star hotels that don't offer as much. And the room cost £90, breakfast included. Some Premier Inns charge that.

I returned to the bar and rang the bell. Simon appeared. He co-runs Elvey with Jeff, according to the hotel information folder in my room. Simon told me that they had re-opened Elvey in January 2007, although there had been a hotel on the site since 1982: “The decor was so 1980s... all these greens and pinks. We completely changed it.”

I ordered a pint of Shepherd Neame Kentish Ale. “It's organic,” Simon told me. Then I asked about food: “Sorry. It's Sunday. We don't do food on Sunday - that's quite normal,” he replied.

This was annoying. Elvey has a highly regarded restaurant, I was hungry and I couldn't drive anywhere after two drinks. I ordered another pint (for nourishment) and settled in another leather sofa, wondering why a hungry guest couldn't have been offered at least a sandwich, even if it was a “don't do food” day.

Breakfast, however, was excellent: lashings of sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs and beans of which Pa Larkin would approve.

Elvey describes itself as “Kentish to the core”. It's pretty good. And even better on “food days”, I would imagine.

Bottom line Mystery Guest paid £90 for a B&B double

Sampling the fare Excellent breakfast

Best thing Cool room

Worst thing The “no food day”

Need to know Elvey Farm (01233 840442, www.elveyfarm.co.uk), Elvey Lane, Pluckley, Kent TN27 0SU

Room 8.5 out of 10

Food 8 out of 10 (breakfast)

Service 6 out of 10

Value 8 out of 10

Score 7.63

PUT TO THE TEST: 20 Mystery Guest questions for... Elvey Farm, Pluckley, Kent

1. Do rooms have kettles/coffee makers? And is there fresh milk?

Kettles and fresh milk.

2. Is there a hairdryer, and is it fixed to a wall?

Handheld hairdryers in each room.

3. Are coathangers metal, wooden, removable?

Wooden, removeable.

4. Complimentary bottle of water?

Yes.

5. Sheets and blankets or duvets?

Duvets.

6. What about a 'pillow menu'?

No.

7. Is lighting good enough for reading?

Reasonable.

8. Is there a shaving/make up mirror? And is it well lit?

Some rooms have circular magnified mirrors.

9. What about the in-room entertainment system?

TV with Freeview satellite stations and DVD player.

10. Is there a temperature control panel?

No.

11. Do the windows open?

Yes.

12. Is there good sound-proofing?

OK.

13. Is there wi-fi internet access?

Yes, free wi-fi.

14. Is there a good place to go jogging nearby?

Lots of farmland.

15. What is the vegetarian food selection like?

At least three main dishes and three starters are vegetarian.

16. Is there baby listening/babysitting? And are children welcome at adults’ evening meals?

Babysitting can be arranged and children are welcome at meals.

17. Is there wheelchair access to all areas?

Yes, by ramp.

18. Do you get a free paper in the morning?

No.

19. Is there a pub round the corner?

Yes, it's a one-minute drive down a lane to the Mundy Bois.

20. Is there free car parking? And is it secure?

Free but not secured by security barriers.

Times recommends

• Are you serious? Hitchhiking in Russia
• The 50 best beaches in the UK
• Revealed: the first naturist B&B in Europe