The hotel: Whatley Manor is a honey-stoned, rambling Cotswold manor house, built in the decadent 1920s and nestled into 12 acres of England’s finest rolling countryside.

There was a worrying touch of the Stepfords on arrival. Electronic wooden gates slid apart for our car, ushering us into a pretty, cobbled courtyard, flushed with scarlet-coloured virginia creeper. The entrance was filled with a row of uniformed staff with Americanised smiles, who knew our names (spooky, until we remembered that we’d given an approximate arrival time).

We were immediately guided to one of the grand, wood- panelled lounges, which had a stone fireplace the size of a London flat. Here, we snuggled down on the cosy double-length sofa while the final touches were administered to our room. We breathed in the evocative scent of pine seeping from the chunky logs in the roaring grate. Yep, this is what is required of a snug country bolt hole when there is still a nip in the air: acres of public rooms that are straight from the Cluedo board. Plot Professor Plum’s downfall in the leather-lined cocktail bar; arrange an assignation with Miss Scarlet in one of the hotel’s maze of nook-and-cranny meeting places; or preen like Mrs Peacock in front of a blazing fire. Perfect — and with not-quite-April showers forecast, it would be utter madness to consider leaving the building.

What about the rooms? Choose from 15 rooms and eight suites, all individually styled. Whatley is owned by the Landolt family, one of the world’s richest dynasties. Decor tends to the tasteful yet unadventurous, but they certainly haven’t had to scrimp: it’s all quality fabrics and furnishings. Go for the perky yellows of Room 10, which also has the best views over the beautiful garden; unleash your wild side amid the tiger prints of Room 8; or chill with the lush purples of Room 2. Naturally, all are Bang & Olufsen-ed, Floris toiletried and liberally sprinkled with fairy dust (exclusive La Prairie eye creams are placed on the pillows at turndown). Bathrooms are all highly polished wood and slabs of marble.

But with all this lounging around, don’t you get bored? Bored? Not when there is the fabulous Aquarias spa to ensure your star is ascending. This pampering zone is one of the most lavish in the UK, with a sequence of thermal cabins (warm, hot, hotter and the flesh-melting Saharan), as well as relaxation rooms and a hydrotherapy pool where the jets pummel your body parts with the efficiency of the most vigorous Swedish masseur. In fact, you can even brave the elements here: the pool has a swim-through to the great outdoors, so you can gaze over England’s green and pleasant through the steam rising from the 35C water. The cabins and pool are free, the spa’s La Prairie treatments are pricey and veer towards gimmicky (£105 for a facial with caviar extract; you can get Botox for less).

You have to do something else, surely? Yes — eat. The sophisticated classical French menu, devised by head chef Martin Burge, ex-L’Ortolan, Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons and Pied à Terre, is superb, even at £60 for three courses, and another good reason to stay indoors. My starter of pan-fried Cornish red mullet with fricassee of squid in a spiced red-wine reduction was delicious; the main course of venison with puréed cauliflower balanced delicate flavours with a stylish but simple presentation. My only criticism was that choice was severely limited, because foie gras — which many prefer not to eat — was featured in several dishes. There is also an on-site Swiss-inspired brasserie for more informal dining. Again, the food is excellent, but the twee Heidi decor borders on the indigestible.

After all that indulgence, we need fresh air. For inspiration, take a brisk walk around the perennial (or deciduous) delights of the nearby world-renowned Westonbirt Arboretum, or blow out the cobwebs with a bracing tour of mystical Stonehenge. There’s also good shopping in Bath and Cheltenham.

Who should go? Food lovers, pampered princesses and agoraphobics.

Who shouldn’t go? Junior — Whatley does not invite the under-12s to stay.

Whatley Manor (01666 822888, www.whatleymanor.com); rooms £275-£450, suites £650-£850, B&B

Times recommends

• Bogus websites are conning hundreds out of their holidays
• The complete last minute holiday guide
• Croatia: the flashing blades of Korkcula